


s7nners

by lefargen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drinking, Eating Disorders, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Seven Deadly Sins, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 16:42:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19233052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefargen/pseuds/lefargen
Summary: Adolescence is hard. School is hard. Dating is hard. Dealing with all of the problems that life throws at you is hard, and, well, everybody has their vice.or: seven dreamies as the seven deadly sins au





	1. LUST

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 日本語 available: [s7nners~七人の罪人たち~](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23610148) by [cherry2gum3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherry2gum3/pseuds/cherry2gum3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin sleeps around all the time. Boys, girls, it doesn’t matter. Anything to distract him from the dull ache in his chest, his heart begging for someone to love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i have never been more excited about a fic than I am with this one, so I hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> just to clarify each chapter will be told from the perspective of one of the dreamies (mark included!), and each represent one of the seven deadly sins all within a cohesive storyline. 
> 
> just a warning this chapter mentions sexual content (the chapter is about lust so duh) but there is no explicit sexual content, so don't worry if that's not your vibe.
> 
> also shoutout to my friend j for coming up with the title, and k for listening to me blabber on and on about all of my story ideas!

Jaemin wakes up and immediately acknowledges two things. One: he is incredibly hungover, and two: he is not in his own bed. This is not an uncommon occurrence for him, but it still throws him off every time he wakes up in an unfamiliar place. It’s disorienting. 

He looks around the room, grasping for clues at who his partner may be. He isn’t even sure if who he slept with is male or female, and judging by the Lady Gaga poster and hot pink rug, he is fairly sure it could be either. His question is answered when a handsome man enters the room, shirtless and chest decorated with hickies. Leaving marks is practically Jaemin’s signature. 

“Hey beautiful,” he says, standing tall in the doorway, a smirk evident on his face. “Surprised that you’re up so early, I thought I might have worn you out,” he says.

Jaemin gives a weak laugh, “I always wake up early in the morning after I drink. Not that I didn’t have a good time last night uh-...” he trails off, unable to remember the name of the boy in front of him. 

The boy’s expression immediately turns to one of heartbreak. “You don’t even remember my name after the beautiful night we spent together. I thought it meant something to you, like it did to me,” he says, looking incredibly sad. 

Jaemin is shocked at the response, unaware that the boy saw their encounter as anything other than a one night stand. He doesn’t remember enough from the night before to know if he misled the other boy or not. “Look, I’m so sorry if I led you on-” he begins before being promptly cut off by the other boy’s laugh. 

“Dude, I’m totally kidding. It was just a hookup for me too, don’t worry. My name’s Jungwoo, though. You look like you needed a reminder,” he says winking at Jaemin, who immediately relaxes at the confession. 

Jaemin snuggles back into the sheets, smiling up at Jungwoo. “So, Jungwoo. You’re a whore too, huh?” he asks jokingly

“Oh honey, I’m the Queen of the whores,” he responds. 

Jaemin laughs, trying to enjoy his reclaiming of a word he’s been called so many times. But even now, it leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Makes him feel gross, degraded. 

He checks his phone only to realize that he has class and he is going to be late. He promised himself that he wouldn’t go too crazy the night before, given that it was only Thursday and he had class the next morning. He also promised himself that he wouldn’t go home with anyone either. Everyone has their vice. 

Jaemin stutters through a goodbye to Jungwoo somewhat awkwardly. Jaemin isn’t the best at casual conversations with strangers…some things are easier when they are only about sex. He practically sprints across campus, entering his drama lecture 15 minutes late, without his backpack, and in yesterday’s clothes. If attendance wasn’t mandatory he would have said “fuck it,” and went home to sleep off his hangover but, alas. The life of a college student is far from glamorous. 

He spots his best friend Donghyuck sitting near the back with a smirk on his face, clearly ready to mock Jaemin for his sudden and late appearance in the classroom. Other students are also looking at him, but they have the decency to keep their judgement to themselves. 

Jaemin sinks down in his chair and tries to avoid the stares from the people around him. Luckily the lecture is big enough that the professor doesn’t call him out by name. The last thing he needs right now is more attention on him. 

“I see you had a wild night last night,” Donghyuck whispers to him, gesturing to his appearance. “Didn’t even have time to shower or grab your backpack?” he asks, goading Jaemin on, taking pleasure in his annoyed expression. 

Jaemin rolls his eyes, grabbing the travel coffee mug on Donghyuck’s desk and taking a long swig. “Shut up, I woke up twenty minutes ago and I have the worst hangover of my life,” he groans. 

“Not too hungover to miss the party tonight, right? We’re all getting dinner beforehand, even the babies. You have to come,” Donghyuck whines, pouting his lips in a pleading manner. 

Jaemin scoffs, “What does it matter to you, you’re just going to sneak off to make out with your boyfriend anyways. But for the record, I am still planning on going so stop whining,” he replies. 

Donghyuck looks at him, and to anyone else, the expression would look normal. But Jaemin has known Donghyuck for years, and knows that hidden beneath his eyes is worry and guilt. It makes him feel uneasy. “You know Jaemin, you wouldn’t have to go out and fuck strangers every night if you had a boyfriend too. Or boyfriends-” he says before being cut off. 

“Shut up, Hyuck. I don’t want to hear it. I feel like ass and my head is pounding. If you keep talking I’m probably going to throw up and we don’t want that, do we,” he replies, promptly shutting the other boy up.

The rest of the class passes uneventfully, and Jaemin falls asleep for most of it. But towards the end, he is awoken by Donghyuck pulling him towards the stage, telling him the teacher wants them to practice acting out a scene. 

Jaemin groans the entire way through. He usually loves acting, being a theater kid in high school, but acting through a Hamlet scene at 9:00am on a Friday morning while he is hungover is not his vibe. 

When the class finally ends, Jaemin lets out the biggest sigh of relief, excited to go home and nap until his plans this evening, sleeping until the gross feeling dissipates and he can feel normal again. 

He walks down off the stage, and promptly trips on a loose board on the staircase, almost face planting his way down. Today is not his day. At all. 

“Someone is going to get hurt because of that someday,” he grumbles, crossing his arms defensively. 

Donghyuck has the audacity to laugh at him, “Yeah, yeah Mr. Grumpypants. Go home and get some sleep. I am not dealing with your crabby ass on the only night that Mark has off this week,” he says, patting his back as they part ways. 

Jaemin drags his feet the entire way back to his apartment. He can’t wait to crash into his bed the second he walks into the dorm. However, his roommate has other plans. 

“Thanks for not letting me know you weren’t going to be home last night. I was worried asshole,” his brother says, frowning at him. 

Jaemin sighs, not mentally or physically prepared to have this conversation with his protective older brother. Jaehyun is only three years older than him, yet remains fiercely protective over him. 

“That’s a little hypocritical don’t you think?” Jaemin counters back. “I mean, you are _never_ here. And you don’t let me know ever.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “That’s because if I am not here I am at my boyfriend’s house. Someone we both know and trust. You go home with people you don’t even know. Do you understand how dangerous that could be? Especially when you are drunk-” he lectures. 

“Stop!” Jaemin interrupts. “Just stop, okay. Why do you care so much? It’s none of your business.”

“Because I care about you!” Jaehyun yells. He breathes in deeply, trying to calm down. In a softer tone, he tries “You can’t fuck your feelings away Jaemin. It hurts me to see you lose yourself in these one night stands, that I doubt you even like, in an attempt to cover up your emotions. I wish you would find a healthier way to deal with this. Maybe try confessing-” he suggests.

Jaemin is so sick of people telling him to confess. It’s always people who already have significant others. People who don’t know what it’s like to pine over someone, or in his case _someones_ , who don’t return his feelings. 

“That’s easy for you to say, hyung. You’ve been with Doyoung for years now. I just want to feel wanted. Is that so bad? I just want to know what it's like to be desired, even if it’s only for a night. Even if it doesn’t actually mean anything,” Jaemin countered.

“Jaemin-” Jaehyun begins, voice immediately turning soft, kind and loving in a way only an older brother could be. 

“Forget it, I’m going to bed. And just so you know, hyung, I probably won’t be coming home tonight either,” Jaemin replies, walking past his brother and bumping his shoulder as he passes, retreating to his room and slamming the door. 

☽

Jaemin wakes up later, and realizes that he is going to be late for the second time that day. He throws himself in the shower and quickly washes the remnants of last night off of his body. There is nothing physically that he can see, but he still feels dirty, so he scrubs harder, till his skin is rubbed raw; red. 

Barely dry with drops of water dripping down the back of his neck, Jaemin heads towards his closet. He wants to look hot tonight, hotter than usual. He tells himself that he isn’t trying to impress anyone in particular, because that would be too much for him to deal with tonight. He just wants to have fun with his friends without the remnants of his feelings sneaking up on him, telling him that would give up everything for a love that is not reciprocated. 

When he gets to the restaurant, he is the last one to arrive, his friends all waiting for him. He sits next to Jisung, and across from Mark, a little glad that Jeno and Renjun are at the other end of the table from him; he doesn’t feel ready to confront them yet. 

It wasn’t always like this. There was a time when Jaemin could look at his best friends without impalpable desire running through him; without the self-loathing that came with the wanting. The acknowledgement that he would never be good enough for them.

A couple of years ago, he had never once thought about dating his friends, that is, until Mark and Donghyuck started dating. He thought it was weird, falling for your friend. He thought about dating either of them, or Jisung or Chenle and felt grossed out. But then he remembered Jeno, and the thought wasn’t that weird to him. 

He’s known Jeno for as long as he can remember, and they’ve always been close. He thought about all the times they’ve hugged, held hands, looked at each other knowingly. It has never been romantic, but it was always different, somehow, from his reactions with the rest of their friends. Things with Jeno felt more intimate, more intense, but still less than something romantic. Still less than anything Jaemin desired. 

And then, shortly after Jaemin recognized his feelings for Jeno, he met Renjun. Chenle introduced the boy to their friend group, explaining that Renjun was his friend from China who had just moved to the country. Renjun approached Korea with the kind of familiarity that came exclusively through confidence, something Jaemin found incredibly attractive. 

Renjun integrated into the country, as well as their friendship, so easily it was like it was always meant to be. And after months of getting to know the boy, Jaemin realized that falling for friends is a lot easier than he initially understood. 

Now, he is practiced at keeping his feelings from breaching the surface and affecting his interactions with the group. But on days like this, his off days, it’s harder. 

Luckily, his mood is brought up a little during the meal because of the boy next to him. Jaemin loves Jisung more than anyone else on the planet, as if he was his own brother. Jisung isn’t the type of person to talk about feelings, he is much too awkward. But he can sense when Jaemin is feeling down and will distract him, comfort him in his own Jisung way. 

Jaemin eats his dinner with a smile on his face, laughing at his friends, and comforted by the conversations Jisung is leading him into. But of course, given his luck for the day, it all has to end. 

Once their meal is finished, it’s time for Jisung and Chenle to go home. Given that they are still high school students, they have a curfew and can’t come to the house party with the rest of them.

“I can’t wait till you graduate. Next year I’m dragging you to every single party,” Jaemin whines hugging Jisung tight. The younger just laughs, and pats Jaemin’s back gently, used to being babied by him. 

He moves on to Chenle next, pulling him into a hug too. “Go home and get lots of sleep, alright? Your big audition is tomorrow, and you need a lot of rest if you want to get the lead,” he says, ruffling his hair. 

The other boys get in and say their goodbyes to the babies before Jisung shyly grabs Chenle’s hand, blush evident on both of their faces, and they walk away. 

“What’s going on with the two of them,” Mark asks, oblivious to the revelation that Jisung and Chenle might be more than friends. 

“Maybe if you weren’t so busy, you’d know that Chenle confessed to Jisung. I don’t think they are officially dating yet, but they both like each other,” Donghyuck explains, tugging on Mark’s hand as he drags him away from the restaurant. 

They always pre-game of Donghyuck’s apartment. Jeno lives with his parents, Jaemin lives with his brother, and Mark and Renjun’s dorm is too small to fit all of them, making Donghyuck’s spacious two-bedroom the site of most of their hangouts. 

They split up on the way, Jeno and Mark leaving to pick up alcohol while the rest of them continue to Donghyuck’s apartment. Once they get there, Renjun excuses himself to the bathroom, leaving just Jaemin and Donghyuck. 

“Are you feeling better? You had a rough start this morning,” Donghyuck asks, taking a seat on the couch. Jaemin plops down next to him, not entirely comfortable with the conversation knowing where it's headed, and knowing Renjun is in the room next door. 

“Yeah, just needed some rest is all. And Jisungie cheered me up a lot at dinner, too. I’m just ready to let loose, and enjoy my night with my boys,” he smiles cheekily at Donghyuck. 

“I hope that means you won’t leave us halfway through the night to go hook up with a stranger,” Donghyuck says, gently poking Jaemin’s cheeks. Jaemin rolls his eyes, batting his hand away. 

“I’m going to do whatever I want because I am an adult and you aren’t my mother,” Jaemin snaps back, a touch of bitterness in his voice. 

“That’s why I am hoping you won’t” Donghyuck replies easily. “Because I know you don’t really want to do it. Maybe leave behind the destructive habits for a night?” he suggests. 

Jaemin is about to reply, tell Donghyuck to know his place, but he is interrupted by Mark and Jeno re-entering the apartment. Jaemin thinks he is safe from conversations like this for the rest of the night, so he lets himself relax. He grabs himself a drink and the real fun of the evening begins. 

☽

Jaemin is sat on Donghyuck’s counter, nursing a beer as they get ready to leave for the house party. He is five shots in, and feels ready to go, knowing the buzz with last for at least a couple more hours. 

They are currently waiting on Donghyuck and Renjun, who are getting ready in Donghyuck’s room. Donghyuck insisted on doing Renjun’s makeup for the night, claiming he has been dying to work on a face as beautiful as Renjun’s for a long time. 

Mark is in the living room, on the phone with someone from school, or work, or basketball, or one of the other hundred things he is involved in. That means that when a body siddles up to him, he knows immediately that it’s Jeno. 

“Feeling better, champ?” Jeno asks, gentle smile gracing his face. It’s Jaemin’s favorite look on the older, because it shows who Jeno is to the core. Kind, gentle, warm-hearted. All of the things Jaemin loves most about him. 

“H-how did you know I was, that I’m-” Jaemin stutters. 

“Jaemin” Jeno cuts him off, not one ounce of kindness leaving his voice. “I’ve known you practically all of my life. I can tell when you are upset. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine, just know I’m here for you, okay?” 

Jaemin ignores the butterflies in his stomach and doesn’t let himself get his hopes up. Jeno is like this with everyone, he tells himself. He is kind to all of them, Jaemin isn’t special. 

“Thank you, but it’s not a big deal, so don’t worry. I was just feeling a little hungover today. But you know what they say, the best way to cure a hangover is to drink more, so I’m feeling great now,” he jokes, nudging Jeno with his shoulder. 

Jeno laughs as well, the two smiling at each other in a way they always do together, their chemistry undeniable. The moment is interrupted by Donghyuck’s loud voice echoing throughout the apartment. 

“We are ready! Let’s go losers,” Donghyuck announces, entering the kitchen with Renjun and Mark trailing behind. 

Jaemin’s breath catches in his throat looking at Renjun, shocked at the boy’s appearance. Donghyuck did a great job, highlighting Renjun’s features in a subtle way, nothing over the top. His eyes are lined thinly, making the warmness within them stand out. His cheeks are pink with a natural looking flush, making him look bright and alive. And his lips… his lips are red and plump and-

Jaemin has to stop his thoughts because he is practically gawking at the boy in front of him. “You look beautiful, Junnie” the voice next to him states. Jaemin looks at Jeno and sees a look of adoration in his eyes that reminds Jaemin that these boys are not his.

They leave shortly after and when they arrive at the house party, it is filled with people already. Jeno and Donghyuck run off, already in pursuit of more alcohol, while Mark goes to greet some members of his basketball team. 

“Let’s dance,” Renjun whispers in his ear, tugging him towards the dance floor. Jaemin is skeptical, but follows anyway. There is something about the way Renjun looks tonight paired with the alcohol coursing through his bloodstream that makes it impossible for Jaemin to deny him anything. 

The song playing through the speakers is a fun, pop-y one, and Renjun immediately starts dancing, doing silly moves that make Jaemin giggle. Jaemin can tell that Renjun is really drunk at this point, and has let all the shame and hesitancy disappear from his body. 

Jaemin joins him, the two dancing and looking absolutely ridiculous together, but Jaemin doesn’t care at all. This is the most fun he has had in awhile, and watching Renjun flail his thin limbs ungracefully makes Jaemin laugh so hard he forgets about everything that has been bothering him.

But suddenly the song changes, and so does the mood. The music becomes sexier, and Renjun’s moves change to match. He adapts to the music in a way only a dancer could, hips moving sensually, keeping up with the rhythm of the music. 

Jaemin is mesmerized. He has a hundred thoughts coursing through his brain and all of them are _want, want, want._ He is so distracted that he forgets to move, standing still in the middle of the dancefloor, unable to take his eyes off of the boy in front of him.

That is, until Renjun grabs his hand and pulls them flush against each other. Jaemin’s hips move on their own accord, the two of them grinding against each other to the beat of the music, Jaemin’s hands coming up to rest on Renjun’s hips. 

It feels so good, having Renjun this close to him, that he doesn’t even care about his insecurities. The only thing that matters in this moment is Renjun’s hips moving against his and his tiny hands gripping Jaemin’s tightly. 

Jaemin doesn’t want the song to end, but the next song on the playlist is just as hot. Jaemin doesn’t know how long they stand their moving against each other, but he does know that every second feels incredible. Better than any one night stand he has ever had. 

But sadly, all good things must come to an end, and the music changes once again, a ballad this time. Renjun detaches himself from Jaemin, and turns to look at him. Jaemin immediately gets lost in Renjun’s eyes, and liquid courage helps him decide to let his desire overcome him. He feels himself lean in, eyes staring blatantly at Renjun’s lips. Renjun, to his credit, doesn’t pull away, giving Jaemin the okay to seal their lips together. 

Before he can however, someone is grabbing Renjun by the waist, lifting him up and spinning him around. He looks up to see Jeno, drunk and laughing, as Renjun hit at him, begging to be put back down. 

“I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere!” he says, voice loud and boisterous, which only happens when he is especially drunk. Renjun notices too, because he starts laughing at Jeno, and the two of them stand there, smiling at each other with their arms intertwined together, drunk and happy. 

This is it. This is the reason why Jaemin never confesses. Because he will never be enough. They could never love him as much as they love each other. They may not be dating, but Jaemin can see the feelings they have for each other, the feelings that they keep on the surface, unafraid of who sees. Unafraid in a way Jaemin will never be. 

Jaemin slips away from them while they are distracted because it’s easier that way. He doesn’t have to make an excuse, or worry about his voice potentially wobbling. 

He walks off the dance floor and bumps directly into someone. It’s a petite girl, and Jaemin notices her checking him out as soon as he steadys them. 

“What’s got you in such a hurry?” she asks, flirtatiously. “This party not exciting enough for you?”

Jaemin puts on his most charming smile and replies, “I’m afraid not. I was hoping maybe you could show me some place a little more exciting,” he flirts back, eyes sparkling with mischief. 

“I know just the place,” she says, grabbing his hand and heading towards the door. Sometimes it’s that easy. 

He can feel Renjun and Jeno looking at him, and through the corner of his eye can make out their disappointed expressions. He chooses to ignore them, and lets himself be dragged out of the party and towards yet another unfamiliar bed.

☽

When Jaemin wakes up the next morning, he feels awful. He sneaks out, careful not to awaken his partner, and leaves without a trace that he was ever there. He feels guilty about leaving without saying anything to the girl he was with last night, but he can’t bring himself to stay. He worries about leading her on, but it wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened. 

Having sex is like a drug to him. It makes him feel so good in the moment, but when it’s over he takes the crash really hard. He comes down from his high only to realize once again that he is alone. That no one loves him. And so he seeks it out again, the one thing that makes him feel desired. Makes him feel even wanted, if even for a night. So the cycle continues. 

When Jaemin gets home, he gets back into the shower, and the shame washes over him, dripping from him more intensely than the running water. 

He thinks back to the night before, to Jeno and Renjun’s disappointed facial expressions. They must be disgusted with him. They must think so lowly of him, a man willing to give himself up to anyone who offers. A whore. He isn’t surprised, however, he feels the same way about himself. 

He feels dirty all over, physically, emotionally, spiritually. So he washes himself until he is red and raw. Trying to remove the dirt that isn’t there, he scrubs and he scrubs and he scrubs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!! please leave me a comment if you enjoyed it, i'm a whore for validation.
> 
> just to be clear in case it was confusing: jisung and chenle are seniors in high school, 00-line are freshmen in college, and mark is a sophomore.
> 
> any guesses as to which dreamies will represent each of the 7 deadly sins???
> 
> until next time, xoxo


	2. ENVY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chenle has spent his life always getting what he wants. Until one day, he doesn’t. This makes him question himself in ways he never has before, and when he looks at people now, it’s with envy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i am back with chapter 2, this time with chenle's perspective and sin. i tried to take a different take on the usual "envy troupe" so i hope you guys enjoy it.

Chenle sits waiting, tapping his foot as he stares at the clock. Once this class is over, he’ll go down to his high school’s auditorium and read the cast list. He’ll know whether he got the lead in the musical or not. He’ll know if what he’s been working for since he was a brace-faced, loud-mouthed, freshman paid off. 

When Chenle first auditioned his freshman year, he was put in the chorus for the fall musical, before moving into a small supporting role the following spring. Since then, he has steadily been gaining larger and larger roles, until last fall when he had one of the biggest roles offered. He’s acted so many different parts but never the lead. Not until this one, he hopes. 

Their school is going _Grease_ , and if Chenle is being honest, he thinks it’s a little cliche. But that doesn’t matter as long as he can play Danny; as long as he can show everyone that he is capable of carrying a lead role; of carrying a musical. 

His audition had gone well in his opinion, and he chose to sing _You Raise Me Up_ , a song he has been working on since he was a child, in order to show his vocal range. The scenes he delivered went smoothly as well, having practiced with Donghyuck before the audition. But it might not have been enough. 

When the bell rings, he bolts, running as fast as he can towards the auditorium, where the cast list will be posted on the door. The hallways are crowded, buzzing with students excited to be finishing their school day. Chenle dodges them all, focus tunnel-visioned on getting to the list as quickly as possible. Patience has never been Chenle’s virtue. 

When he arrives to the list, there are several people already there, but they are mostly freshman. They move out of the way when they see him, knowing he will probably have a much larger role than them. 

He scans the sheet, searching for his name, when his eyes zoom in on his on the familiar lettering: 

_Zhong Chenle………...Kenickie Murdoch_

Reading the name stings a little, more than Chenle wants to admit. Sure he got a fairly large role but it doesn’t matter; it isn’t the lead. He keeps looking until he sees his competition, the one who beat him out for the role. 

_Liu Yangyang………....Danny Zuko_

Chenle knows him, and he isn’t surprised. Yangyang is really talented, has so many traits that make him likeable, that make him talented. Traits that make him perfect for the role of Danny. Traits Chenle himself doesn’t have. 

Chenle grew up in a fairly privileged home, his family having more than enough wealth to go around. When he wanted something, he got it. Always. Until now. And now that Chenle can’t have this, can’t have the role he’s been wanting since he was a freshman, he obsesses over it. 

The next day, once rehearsals begin, he spends the entire time watching Yangyang, analyzing him. The first day is always short, just a get-to-know-each-other type meeting, meaning Chenle doesn’t need to pay that much attention. Instead he focuses on all of the things that Yangyang has that he doesn’t. The things he wants. The things he is envious of. 

_His voice. His charisma. His face. His hair. His style. His acting ability. His likeability._

The more time Chenle spends watching Yangyang, the more he realizes that he himself did not deserve the role; he wasn’t _enough_. Sitting there, Chenle was starting to realize that he was lacking in a ton of areas, _every area_. 

He starts thinking about other aspects of his life. His failed his calculus exam last week. He isn’t as good as a student as he thought he was. He feels Jisung withdrawing himself a little. Did he not like him like he had initially said? Did he feel sorry for him? Is that the reason he said he liked him back? 

And the thoughts spiral until it’s time to leave. Until Chenle feels nothing in the moment but self-loathing. Until the sight of Yangyang is too much that he has to look away. Until he realizes that he will never have what Yangyang has, no matter how much he wants it. 

☽

He meets up with Jaemin and Donghyuck after rehearsal, the two having experience in the drama club and wanting to hear about the start of Chenle’s final production. It’s tradition for the three actors of the group to get ice cream together to discuss their shared hobby.

When he tells them that he got the role of Kenickie, Jaemin throws his arms around him, smile spreading widely across his face. “That’s such a big role! Good job, Lele,” he says congratulatory. Donghyuck hugs him too, but his smile isn’t as big, a little forced looking. _He must be disappointed in me_ Chenle thinks. 

“Who got Danny?” Jaemin asks, and Chenle tries not to wince. It’s hard when the name opens so many negative feelings about himself. But he smiles anyway, albeit a little awkward. He doesn’t want to seem bitter towards Yangyang, especially when he understands that he deserves the role so much more than he does. 

“Liu Yangyang,” is all he manages to say, unable to find any other words that seem appropriate for the situation. 

Jaemin and Donghyuck nod understandably. “That makes sense,” Jaemin says. “The kid is really talented. And a little mischievous in a way that makes him a good fit for Danny.” 

Another wave of jealousy hits Chenle after that. Because these are some of his best friends and they give people compliments so easily, people who aren’t him. He knows it's petty, but he wants someone to tell _him_ that he is talented, to help him erase the negative assumptions he has thought about himself since the second he read the cast list. 

Donghyuck sensing Chenle’s distress moves to change the subject quickly. “How are things going with Jisungie? Have you guys made it official yet?” he asks, taking a bite of his ice cream. Chenle’s own ice cream sits melting in it’s bowl. He isn’t hungry. 

“Ummm, we haven’t actually. I haven’t seen him since we all got dinner together last week,” he mutters, looking down at his food, swirling his spoon around in slow, tantalizing circles. 

Jaemin and Donghyuck both frown upon hearing Chenle’s answer, shocked that the two who are usually attached at the hip haven’t been spending as much time together as normal. 

“I thought you guys were going to get dinner yesterday? After the cast list came out? You guys talked about it when we were all together,” Jaemin responds. 

Chenle’s frown deepens as he thinks about another aspect of his life that isn’t going quite right. “We were going to but he cancelled. He said he was busy but he didn’t explain why,” he says sadly. “Enough about me though. What have you guys been up to?” he asks, ready for the attention to be off of him. 

Chenle zones out as the other two continue to talk, too lost in his own head to participate much in the conversation. If his friends notice something is wrong, they don’t say anything. 

☽

Chenle is at another rehearsal, and they are currently going over the _Grease Lightning_ scene. And while he is trying to get into it, it’s proving to be quite difficult. It’s difficult when he looks around at the people around him and feels so intensely inadequate. 

Chenle looks around at all of his castmates and looks on in jealousy, pin-pricking all of the things that they have that he doesn’t. 

_I wish I could sing like Xiaojun, his voice is amazing. I wish I could dance like Hendery, he can hit the beat perfectly. I wish I was as handsome as Yukhei, maybe then Jisung wouldn’t be pulling away. I wish I had the charisma that Yangyang has… the ability to hold the stage like he can. The ability to play the role he cannot._

“Chenle,” a voice calls out to him. He looks up to see the director looking at him, a disapproving look on her face. “Get it together, please. You are standing out in this scene and not in a good way. This is one of the biggest scenes of the entire musical and we can’t have you looking like an amateur amongst a group of professionals,” she proclaims.

Chenle gulps, nodding slightly. He feels the envy creep back up on him, but it isn’t for Yangyang, or Hendery, or any of his other castmates. It’s for everyone. Everyone that isn’t him in his moment. 

He spends the rest of the performance completely focused, working hard to hit every dance move and sing every note in tune. He is successful for the most part, but there is still something slightly off. His heart isn’t in it. 

Once rehearsal is over, Chenle bolts, leaving without saying goodbye to everyone. He rushes to the parking lot, only slowing down once he is settled into the car. He takes a deep breath and then pulls out his phone and dials the number of the one person who can calm him down when he is upset. Mark. 

It rings, and rings, and rings, Chenle feeling anxiety buzz up within him with each passing second. Finally, a click. _Hello, this is Mark Lee. I am unable to answer your call right now, but if you leave a message, I will call you back when I have time. Thank you._ Click. 

Chenle starts his car and begins driving, but makes a turn instead of going straight home. He ends up at the mall. He goes to all of the expensive stores; Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Balenciaga, Dior, YSL. He swipes his credit card so many times that it starts to lose all meaning to him. 

This isn’t the first time he has cushioned the blow of an influx of emotions with retail therapy, but he usually only does that when he is only a little upset. He’s been in this rut for weeks and, despite his recent purchases, he still feels inadequate. 

☽

They have the next day off of practice so that staff can paint the auditorium. Chenle doesn’t rest though, promising himself that he would get his shit together by the time rehearsals start back up on Monday. He calls Donghyuck, who agrees to take him to the room where him and Jaemin have their drama lecture, and practices on the stage there. 

Donghyuck watches him closely as he practices his moves, reading lines back to him so his timing is accurate. Chenle is grateful, especially because Donghyuck is close enough to him that he can take his criticisms. When Donghyuck corrects him on something, it doesn’t feel like a personal attack. 

They go through pretty much everything, Donghyuck speaking out critiques and praises when he deems necessary. _You were a second too late when you did that move with your hip. Your voice was flat when you hit that last note. Your face was really expressive when you delivered that last line, good job._

Soon Chenle has finished the parts that he wanted to go over, and decides he wants to do one more run through of everything. Before he can, however, Donghyuck stops him. 

He comes up on stage and gestures for Chenle to sit with him for a second. Chenle is a little nervous at the action, afraid that he is about to tell him how awful of a performer he is. Instead, Donghyuck reaches out and grabs his hand, giving him an encouraging smile. 

“Chenle, you remind me a lot of myself from a couple years ago, when I got my first big role,” Donghyuck begins, shocking Chenle. 

“Me? But hyung, you’re such a good performer. I don’t think I am anyway comparable to someone like you. You were born to be on stage and I---well, I don’t even know if performing is for me anymore,” he replies. 

Donghyuck looks hopelessly sad at Chenle’s confession, disappointed that the younger thinks so lowly of himself. “You just confirmed it for me, Lele. You have so much potential, but the one thing holding you back is your confidence. Or lack thereof,” Donghyuck begins. Chenle opens his mouth to respond, but before he can, Donghyuck begins talking again. 

“You can sing, dance, and act. You have everything it takes to be amazing on stage. But I can tell from watching you that you don’t believe in yourself. That you’re second-guessing every move you make, and overanalyzing every action you take. That must be exhausting, honey,” Donghyuck says, rubbing Chenle’s knuckles with his finger. 

Chenle’s eyes well up with tears, finally letting the emotion that he has been suppressing come to the forefront. “It’s just so hard when I feel like a failure compared to everyone. I feel like every move I make is the wrong one and that everyone is looking at me like I don’t deserve my role,” he says as his lip wobbles. 

“And I am so jealous of them. All of them, but especially Yangyang. Not just because of his role, but because of everything. I am nothing like him. I’m not as talented, or handsome, or charismatic. I see how natural he is on stage and I want it so bad it hurts. It hurts knowing I will never be as good as him,” Chenle finishes, finally breaking down into tears. 

Donghyuck grabs onto him, cradling his head to his chest, shushing him gently. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “You’re okay, just let it all out. Take your time,” he says. It’s usually Mark who Chenle goes to for help, finding it hard to take someone as fun and mischievous as Donghyuck seriously. But in this moment he is so glad Donghyuck is here, is here to understand him and be there for him in this time of complete and utter sadness. 

“First of all,” Donghyuck begins once Chenle has calmed down, “You are right. You are nothing like Yangyang, and that isn’t a bad thing. You are so unique and special and I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to be someone else. Nobody wants you to be anyone else,” he begins. 

“Secondly, just because you didn’t get the lead doesn’t mean you are a bad performer at all. Kenickie is a very complex roll, and not every actor could execute it well. Roles aren’t determined just by talent level, but also by best fit. I think you were given this part because you are talented enough to deliver it in a way no one else can,” Donghyuck explains. 

Chenle thinks it over, and realizes that Donghyuck is starting to make some sense. It is true that certain people fit certain roles better, and that it doesn’t necessarily determine talent. But why did it affect him so much? Why was he so upset then? 

“Let’s try something, okay? Why don’t you ignore all of your insecurities for a second and just perform. Don’t think about your feelings, just focus on the song,” Donghyuck suggests. 

Chenle hesitates, unsure of what Donghyuck is trying to accomplish, but he stands up, Donghyuck still sitting at his feet, and walks towards the center. He lets his mind go blank and opens his mouth. 

And for the first time since he saw the cast list was posted, he loves what he is doing. We doesn’t think of what he may be doing wrong and instead focuses on the act of doing what he loves. And boy does he love it. 

When he is finished, Donghyuck stands up, clapping wildly, with a pleased smile on his face. “How did it feel?” he asks, looking at Chenle for a response. 

“It felt good. Really good, actually,” he responds, smiling genuinely for the first time in days. 

“Good. I want you to center yourself, and refocus your energy. I know it isn’t easy to gain confidence, it took me years. But that doesn’t mean you have to give yourself up to your negative thoughts. Remember why you are performing, and how much you love it. Let that be your main focus, the thing that drives you. Everything else will fall into place naturally, I promise,” Donghyuck explains. 

Chenle nods along. He thinks he can do that. He doesn’t magically feel better, or suddenly have the confidence that he has lost over the past couple of weeks. But he has found himself again, found his passion again, and for now that will have to do. 

The two agree to call it quits for the night, preparing to leave. Chenle goes towards the seats and grabs his backpack, but stops and turns immediately when he hears it. A bang. 

☽

“What happened exactly?” Mark asks Chenle, sitting anxiously in the stiff polyester chairs in the hospital waiting room. His nails are bitten raw and he has a deep set frown on his face. 

“Donghyuck tripped on a loose floorboard in his theater classroom. He was in a lot of pain, and couldn’t really walk or put pressure on his leg,” Chenle explained, feeling really sad retelling the story. 

Mark nods before turning away, eyes drifting towards the hallway every ten seconds, waiting for a doctor to appear so he can go see his boyfriend. 

“I saw you called me the other day,” Mark says suddenly, changing the topic. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I was just feeling kinda down for awhile, but Donghyuck helped me feel a little better. I’m working on it, though. I’m going to try to be more positive and work on myself,” he explains. 

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re already doing fantastic in life. You’re a really great person, and I’m really thankful you were there when Hyuck fell to take care of him and make sure he was okay,” Mark says reaching out and squeezing his hand once. 

Their conversation is interrupted by a doctor coming and telling them that Donghyuck is okay, but he is on pain medication and currently asleep. 

“I’ll stay and check up on Donghyuck, alright? You can go home and rest, I’m sure this evening was stressful for you as well,” Mark says, patting Chenle on the back. 

“You just want to leave me alone so you can be with your boyfriend, hyung,” Chenle teases jokingly, sticking his tongue out at his friend. 

“Who said you’ll be alone?” Mark counters back, raising an eyebrow mischievously. 

Chenle looks at him confused, “What are you talking-” he says before cutting himself off when he sees another figure enter the room. _Jisung._

“I thought after the traumatic event, you might want some attention from your significant other too, so I called him. I’ll talk to you guys later to update you on Hyuck’s condition, okay?” he says before walking off down the hallway towards Donghyuck’s room. 

As soon as he is gone Jisung steps forward and interlocks their pinkies, smiling shyly at Chenle. “I’ve missed you,” Jisung says, face red at the admission. 

And yeah, Chenle may be insecure, and not like everything about himself, but if he was any different then he might not have this. And for now, that’s enough for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading it! please leave a comment if you enjoyed the chapter, or have any critiques or ideas you would like me to hear. 
> 
> did you guys check my foreshadowing about the wooden board in chapter one? you'll read more about haechan's leg soon, because the next chapter is from his perspective. can you guess the sin?
> 
> i sprinkled in some wayv for some flavor (tbh i didn't know who i wanted to make chenle jealous of and i think this storyline made sense)
> 
> i've been posting a lot over the last couple of months so sorry if it seems annoying that i am posting so many stories! i just have a lot of story ideas and want to push them out quickly. 
> 
> until next time, xoxo


	3. SLOTH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The less he does, the quicker his energy supply depletes. And that just makes it that much harder to do anything in the future, and so the cycle continues. It doesn’t feel good. Donghyuck does nothing until he starts to feel like he himself is nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! back again with another chapter, i hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> just a quick warning there may be things that are medically inaccurate but idk because i am not a scientist so don't judge me.

Ever since Donghyuck came back from the hospital, he has done absolutely nothing. He broke his leg on a Thursday, and took the following week off from school. It’s only been a week since his incident, but he is already bored out of his mind. 

Donghyuck hasn’t seen anyone since Mark dropped him off at his apartment the night of the incident, and it’s really starting to affect him. Donghyuck is an extrovert; he gets his energy from being around people. And now that he can’t go out and do anything because of his leg, he is starting to feel really lonely. And a little bitter. 

Things were going so well for Donghyuck. He was in a loving relationship, he had great friends, he loved his classes, was invested in his passions, and they suddenly all of that was gone. He felt reduced to a lesser version of himself; a sloth. 

He doesn’t want his friends to miss out on all of the fun things they have going on to babysit him. But at the same time, he can’t help but feel like no one cares. Not a single one of his friends has made an effort to check in on him. His own _boyfriend_ can’t even make time for him. 

It’s been days, and he has spent all of them alone. 

Moving is painful, so he tries to do it as little as possible. He only leaves his bed to go to the bathroom and get food, but only does either when it is especially urgent. He attempted a shower this morning, his first attempt since the accident. It was one of the hardest things he has ever done, which just makes him feel even more pathetic. He knows his mobility is limited for the time being, but being unable to _shower_ hits him very hard. 

So he lays in bed instead. Barely moving. Barely conscious. Barely a person. 

He spent a lot of the first few days watching Netflix, but he is so bored that he has resorted to staring blankly at the wall. His bed feels cold and lonely without someone there to hold him. He has always been affectionate and not having someone there to indulge him in his loving tendencies leaves him feeling empty. 

He also isn’t sure if it’s even normal to still be in this much pain after breaking his leg. Everything hurts no matter what he does, so he chooses to do nothing. 

He decides to turn to music to occupy his mind, simply because it is the one thing that he could never get bored of. The one passion that never fades no matter what the circumstances are. 

And he lets himself sing, using his voice for the first time in days. It’s a little scratchy but it makes him the happiest he’s been since the incident. He goes through his playlist, belting out all of his favorite songs. Until a new song comes on. A familiar one. One that makes his heart ache a little. 

It’s _Billionaire_. The song that he practiced with Mark all those years back. The moment Donghyuck started to fall for him. Because during the time they spent together working on the song, he noticed things he had never seen before. Like the way Mark’s eyes sparkle when he accomplishes a goal of his. How soft his hands feel they brush against his own. How beautifully their voices compliment each other. 

Donghyuck reaches for his phone immediately, suddenly desperate for the person who means more to him than anyone else. The person who makes his bad days a little less dark. 

“Hello?” the voice answers, sounding rushed, but polite. 

“Hey baby, it’s me,” Donghyuck replies, already smiling at the voice on the other end. Something about Mark always calms him down, even if he has to settle for just his voice right now. 

There is a slight pause on the other end before a reply, “What do you need, Hyuck,” the reply comes short and assertive. Donghyuck’s smile falters only slightly, as he moves on with the conversation. 

“Nothing I just… missed you is all. We haven’t really talked since the hospital and I-” Donghyuck says quickly before being interrupted. 

“Look, Hyuck I’m really busy right now. I don’t have time to come around and play nurse for you,” Mark responds, annoyance evident in his voice. 

Tears spring to Donghyuck’s eyes immediately, upset at the lack of empathy from his boyfriend. “That’s not what I meant-” he gets in before being interrupted again immediately. 

“You’re an adult, Donghyuck. You can’t expect people to come to your beck and call every time you are slightly inconvenienced,” Mark replies back, fire evident in his voice. He has an important work-related meeting in a couple of minutes and really doesn’t want to be late because Donghyuck is feeling needy. 

“I am _not_ inconvenienced, I broke my leg, asshole. I am in pain and I can’t move and I am lonely and upset. As my boyfriend, you should have some sympathy for me, but clearly you’re too caught up in your own life to give a damn about me,” he says before hanging up immediately. 

That did not according to plan. He was hoping that Mark would feel sorry for him and offer to come over and baby him, but obviously he was going to have to seek alternative forms of comfort. He lets himself get a good cry in, keeping his streak of daily tears since the incident. 

He loves Mark, he really does, but times like this make him feel like his love isn’t 100% reciprocated. Like he loves Mark a lot more than Mark loves him. And it hurts. So Donghyuck decides to ignore both the pain in his heart and the pain in his leg and takes a nap. He hasn’t found consciousness that appealing these last couple of days anyway. 

☽

Donghyuck knows he is being lazy, but the amount of effort it takes to do anything makes him feel like nothing is worth it. His leg is in so much pain if he as much as slightly bumps it, and that is bound to happen if he does any sort of movement. 

So he ignores everything. Doesn’t do a damn thing at all. The less he does, the quicker his energy supply depletes. And that just makes it that much harder to do anything in the future, and so the cycle continues. It doesn’t feel good. Donghyuck does nothing until he starts to feel like he himself is nothing. 

Like now for instance. Donghyuck hasn’t eaten in around a day. It’s getting to the point where the hunger pains are starting to kick in, and he is starting to feel nauseous. So he gathers up all of the energy he has within him, and waddles to the kitchen.

He makes himself a large bowl of kimchi fried rice, and eats it quickly, hoping that it will sustain him for the rest of the day. Getting to the kitchen and making this one meal took up a lot of energy and was painful. He doesn’t know if he will be able to make it to the kitchen again anytime soon. 

On his way out of the kitchen, he makes the split decision to turn back and grab some snacks and water to sustain him for longer, but it proves to be a horrible idea because he immediately loses balance and crashes to the floor. And it _hurts_. 

Donghyuck is in more pain than he was when he initially broke his leg, this time making it impossible to move even an inch. He lays there, unable to get himself up off of the floor, and lets the tears stream down his face once again. 

He feels pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. He can’t even _move_ , and doesn’t have anyone to help him. He left his phone in his room, and there is no way he can make it all the way there to call for help. So he stays on the floor. For hours. All alone. 

Everytime he tries to get up, the pain hits him so fiercely that his vision whites out and his teeth clench. He doesn’t know how long he stays there, on the ground, but with every hour that passes, he loses more hope that anyone will come back to help him. 

All of his friends are busy, and he doubts Mark will check in on him after the fight they just had. So he lays there, wallowing in self pity, unmoving, unable.

It isn’t until hours later, when darkness has overtaken his apartment, and his back has begun hurting from his uncomfortable position on the floor that he hears a knock on the door. He would try to yell and get the attention of the person on the other side, but he doubts he is close enough to be heard, and the strain of it would hurt his throat that is already so sore from the severity in which he has cried. 

Luckily for him, he doesn’t have. Just a minute later, the sound of a key entering a lock fills the room until the door is swung wide open. 

“Donghyuck?” the voice says softly, like he is unsure if coming here this late was necessary or not. 

“Help,” Donghyuck replies weakly, and that’s all it takes for the intruder to come rushing over to his side. A hand grips Donghyuck’s cheek gently and he recognizes it immediately. _Jeno._

“Jesus, Hyuck. How long have you been laying here like this?” Jeno asks, concern evident in his voice. 

Donghyuck thinks it over. He has no idea what time it is now but he left his room to make food around 1pm, and he prepared it and ate it so- “Maybe since 2?” he says, voice hoarse from being unable to use his voice for anything except sobbing loudly.

Jeno’s face falls at the answer he is given. “Hyuck, it’s like 9pm. You’ve been here for 7 hours? What happened? Can you move?” he overloads him with questions, desperate to help his friend. 

“Fell. Hurts too much to move. Couldn’t call for help. I was all a-alone,” he says, voice breaking. Jeno strokes his cheek gently, looking at him with the saddest face imaginable. 

“Don’t worry, Hyuck. I’m going to get you help, alright? It will all be okay, I promise,” Jeno affirms. And he keeps his promise. An hour later and Donghyuck is in a hospital bed, pain-free from all of the medicine they put him on, Jeno by his side holding his hand. 

Jeno and Donghyuck were friends first, before anyone else in the group. This created a bond between them that was unbreakable, the two remaining fiercely loyal to each other no matter what life has thrown at them. Donghyuck thought that maybe it would be Mark who would come to help him, but he should’ve known it would have been Jeno. Jeno is always there for him when he needs him most. 

“I texted you around 3 to see if you needed company, but I didn’t get a response. I got worried, and when I called Mark-hyung, he said that you guys got in an argument and he hadn’t heard from you. I said I would go and check on you and he seemed really relieved,” Jeno explains to Donghyuck. 

“Thank you for coming. It’s been a rough couple of days. Everything hurts, and I can’t move, and I am lonely-” Donghyuck cuts himself off as the tears overwhelm him once more. 

Jeno pulls him into a tight hug as he whispers reassurances into his ear. “It’ll be okay, I promise. I will come and stay with you for a few days, alright? Stay in the guest room until you get back on your feet,” Jeno offers, calming Donghyuck down easily. 

Jeno has stayed with Donghyuck for short periods of time in the past, mostly when he had some intense altercations with his family. Donghyuck considers his guest bedroom Jeno’s room at this point, and he is grateful for the company his best friend always offers. 

They stay like that for awhile, Jeno comforting Donghyuck until he calms down. Donghyuck’s head feels clear again by the time that the doctor comes in to talk to him about his leg. 

Unfortunately for him, he disturbed the fracture in his leg when he fell this afternoon. When he received an x-ray earlier, the doctor decided that the best thing for him would be to have surgery soon, once his leg has healed a bit more, in order to properly tend to the wound. The thought scares him a little, but it isn’t an immediate worry, so he lets himself relax for now. 

“Is there anything else you would like to discuss before I head out?” the doctor asks him, as he is about to leave the room. Donghyuck hesitates for a second, and Jeno notices, nodding at him in encouragement. 

“Um… actually there is one thing I would like to discuss. Moving is really hard for me right now and takes a lot of energy. Because of that I’ve just been lying around and doing nothing, and it’s messing with my psyche. Is there anything we can do to make me more mobile?” he asks nervously, scared there is nothing the doctor will be able to do. 

“I think I have an idea that will help you with mobility,” the doctor says, a smile spreading across his face as he speaks. 

And that is how Donghyuck ends up with his leg, secured in a boot, resting on a scooter, as his other leg pushes him around. It makes moving so much easier, quicker, and less painful. It’s even kind of fun. With his newfound mobility, Donghyuck makes plans for the first time since the incident. 

☽

With the help of the scooter and Jeno, he starts to get his life back on track. He is showering and eating regularly again, and even plans to start attending his classes again. And now he gets to see his favorite people again. 

He is a little nervous, given that Mark is going to be there and they haven’t made up yet from their fight, but he isn’t going to let that bring him down. Their group is meeting up at Renjun’s ballet recital and he doesn’t want his issues with Mark to interfere with Renjun’s big night. 

When Donghyuck and Jeno arrive at the auditorium, Jaemin, Chenle, and Jisung are already there, sitting front and center. It feels so good to see his friends again, to be out and doing things like a normal person again. 

Donghyuck was only alone for a few days, but that was too much for him. Even though he still feels like a little part of his heart is missing, he feels content. He chats with his friends and everything feels okay again.

As the lights dim in the theater, a body slides into the seat next to him. He doesn’t have to look to know that it is Mark, so he doesn’t. He keeps his eyes focused directly on the stage, watching as the show begins. 

Renjun is so ethereal on the stage. He hits every move sharply and elegantly, and Donghyuck is mesmerized by his performance. He looks to his left and sees in friends in various stages of awe as well. 

Jaemin is recording the performance on his phone, smile wide and bright on his face. His adoration for Renjun is so obvious, he doesn’t know how anyone could miss it. Jeno is looking up at the stage with puppy dog eyes, hopelessly enamored with the boy in front of him. “He’s so tiny,” he whispers in awe, not taking his eyes off of Renjun for even a second. 

The show goes by quickly, everyone getting lost in the performance in front of them. When the lights turn on, they all stand up, clutching their bouquets of flowers, ready to congratulate Renjun on how well he did. 

“Sorry I was late, I got held up at basketball practice,” Mark says, and Donghyuck gets a good look at him for the first time all night. He looks a little tired, but still so good, and Donghyuck lets himself miss him again.

He also notices that unlike the rest of them who are holding just one bouquet for Renjun, Mark is holding two. Jaemin is the one who points it out, causing Mark to turn red, looking sheepish. 

“Actually only one us for Renjun, the other one-” Mark begins, only to be cut off by the appearance of the star of the hour. Everyone takes turns hugging Renjun, congratulating him on a job well done, and overflowing his arms with 6 dozen roses. 

“Hey Hyuck, me and Jaemin were planning on taking Renjun out after this. You’re welcome to come with if you want, or I could drop you off back at your place-” Jeno begins before being interrupted. 

“I’ll take him, thanks Jeno,” Mark replies quickly. The other boy nods quickly, the group says their goodbyes, and they all part, leaving Donghyuck alone with Mark. The energy in the air is tense, awkward and unnatural, and Donghyuck refuses to look at Mark because of the uncertainty that surrounds them. That is, until Mark presses a bouquet of flowers into his arms. 

“These are for you,” he begins, shyly and totally unlike the Mark that Donghyuck knows and loves. “I know I was kind of a dick to you, and I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. Especially when you went back to the hospital. I really should’ve been there, but I let stress and my ego get in the way of it all,” Mark says as they head towards his car. 

“It’s okay,” Donghyuck says softly, refusing to meet Mark’s eyes. 

Mark stops him for a second, before continuing, “It’s not okay, Hyuckie. I was an insensitive, uncaring boyfriend, and you don’t deserve that. And I was really worried about you the whole time too, even if I didn’t show it,” he admits. 

“I don’t care to be honest. This entire week was hell and I just want to put it behind me. I missed you and I just want to be with you for a little bit,” he says, turning into Mark and pulling him in for an embrace. 

Mark grips him tightly, tucking Donghyuck’s face into his neck and letting him breathe in his scent. “I missed you too. I’m all yours for the rest of the weekend, alright? I’ll turn off my phone and make sure you’re my only priority. Like I should have done earlier this week,” Mark confesses. 

They stay like this for a little while longer, neither eager to leave each other’s arms after their stressful time apart. Donghyuck went through a lot this week, but at least now he doesn’t have to go through it all alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor hyuck :( 
> 
> i really wanted to focus on the importance of loving and loyal platonic relationships and how they can be just as important as romantic relationships. and you know i had to include sweet little jeno, our loyal taurus. 
> 
> mark may seem like a bit of an asshole, but there will be more expansion on mh's relationship in the future. do you guys think their relationship problems are over? or should i make them suffer more?
> 
> also if you don't know what i was talking about with the scooter thing just google image search scooters for people with broken feet lmao
> 
> as always i would love to hear your thoughts so please leave a comment, i would love to hear anything (good or bad!) that you would like to offer
> 
> until next time, xoxo


	4. GLUTTONY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renjun only knows two feelings; filled to the brim and empty to the core. It’s agonizing, going back and forth between the two extremes, but it’s all he’s ever known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: EATING DISORDERS, VOMITING, AND BLOOD. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU AND ALWAYS PRACTICE SELF CARE. 
> 
> I will provide a non-triggering chapter summary in the end notes to those interested in the chapter, but do not wish to read for the reasons listed above.

Renjun is not having a good day. At all. In fact, this may be one of the worst days he’s had in a long time, and that’s really saying something. Renjun has had a lot of bad days recently. 

He just got done with ballet practice and it went _horribly_. For some reason, there was one move that he could not seem to land, no matter how many times he has done it before. He tried and tried, staying an hour after practice ended, but it didn’t matter. He simply couldn’t do it. His body’s failure to cooperate made him feel so disappointed with himself, like he didn’t deserve to be there, didn’t deserve his spot in the troupe. 

He’s feeling like he doesn’t deserve a lot of things these days. Last night, he went out with everyone, and Jaemin ended up going home with someone again. It happens all the time, but it still stings. 

There is only one remedy Renjun knows for days like this. And it’s _sick_ , he knows it is. That he has to make himself feel so much worse to feel even a little bit better. But as much as it aches, as much as it _burns_ , it also feels good. Leaves him feeling cathartic and empty. 

It all started when he began University and tried out for the ballet troupe. He was ultimately accepted, but only after the ballet master pinched his cheeks in front of everyone and told him he needed to keep a strict diet to lose the rest of his baby fat. _“Ballet dancers are meant to be light and dainty. Even one pound can weigh you down, and you won’t be able to hit your moves as gracefully as your thinner companions.”_

So Renjun began a diet for the first time in his life. But as the weeks passed, the weight didn’t seem to be coming off, thus he began restricting more and more and more. Until one day he became so hungry that he snapped. He went absolutely crazy; feral, eating everything in the house. Eating until he felt sick, both from the thousands of calories he consumed in one sitting, as well as the guilt that followed his actions. 

He had practice the next day, and the thought of walking in looking bloated and _fat_ terrified Renjun to no end. So he did what he thought he had to do; he walked into his bathroom and purged it all. And thus the cycle began. 

Renjun ate enough to sustain him through his grueling ballet rehearsals and nothing more. He did this, starving himself, until he couldn’t take it anymore, and then he would binge. Ravenous, Gluttonous. He would eat thousands of calories at a time, before making himself throw it all up, not stopping until the only thing coming out of his stomach was an unpleasant mixture of bile and water. 

Sometimes he binged once a week, twice or three times when he was going through a particularly rough time. Sometimes he could get through a couple of weeks without having to destroy his body for relief. But he always goes back to it. It’s the one habit he can’t bring himself to shake.

Renjun’s eating disorder initially developed because he would have done anything to keep dancing. Ballet is the one thing he loved unconditionally, the passion that created the warmest, brightest spark within him. Now, the only time he feels even a semblance of that spark is when his head is in a toilet bowl. 

He’s managed to keep it a secret for a long time, he’s an expert at it at this point. Knows how to keep up appearances. He’s even become quite bold about his actions. He eats with his friends when he has to, and sometimes even sneaks away to the bathroom in their presence when he can’t wait to get rid of it. At home it’s easier, because Mark is too busy balancing a thousand different activities that he’s never at their shared dorm. No one suspects a thing. It’s too easy. 

Like tonight. Renjun knows that Mark is busy with basketball practice and then a KSA meeting, and won’t be home until late. Renjun goes to the grocery store and purchases $50 worth of food. Chips, cookies, cake. Food that he would be much too scared to eat if he didn’t know he was going to throw it all back up. 

He then stops and gets burgers, french fries, fried chicken. His backpack is overflowing with food by the time he gets back to his dorm, and he lays it all out on a table in front of him. Then, he eats it. All of it. Every single bite of food on the table, until there is nothing left. 

He feels full, disgustingly full. It’s uncomfortable to the point of being painful, but it doesn’t really bother Renjun. He’s used to this. He knows it will all be over soon. It takes all of the energy in his body, but he finally lifts himself up and heads towards the bathroom. He doesn’t bother closing the door, it just makes him feel claustrophobic, and Mark won’t be home for hours. 

He sets a cushion he grabbed from a linen closet and kneels down on it. He’s learned from months of experience that it’s more comfortable this way, an art that he has perfected with near surgical precision. He sticks his finger in his throat and teases his gag reflex, as if he is warming himself up. After a minute of kneeling there, he finally shoves his digits just the last bit further until he is spilling everything in his stomach into the toilet. 

This is the worst part of it all. It’s painful, the nausea that comes with it and the burning sensation as stomach acid makes its way up his esophagus. Tears fall down on their own accord, and Renjun doesn’t bother figuring out if it’s from the emotional pain or the physical pain he is experiencing. 

He stops only once he is positive that all of the food he has consumed is gone. He pulls away, tears streaming down his face, as he gently lifts himself up. He flushes the toilet and moves to the sink to brush his teeth. Renjun doesn’t like to dwell on the feeling of emptying himself until there is nothing left of him. 

He stares in the mirror as he brushes, body working mechanically on it’s own, while Renjun’s brain is in purgatory. He looks awful, his appearance reflecting the hell he had just put himself through. And it was hell; every second felt awful. But he did it all for this; _the feeling of being empty._ To Renjun, every purge feels like an empty slate, a chance to restart with the promise that tomorrow could be better. It almost never is.

When he is done, Renjun will go and clean up the mess he made on the table in the other room. He will gather every wrapper, every empty container and throw it in a dumpster outside, destroying all of the evidence of what he has spent the evening doing. But for now, he focuses on the steady back and forth motion of his hand as he brushes blankly.

Renjun only knows two feelings; filled to the brim and empty to the core. It’s agonizing, going back and forth between the two extremes, but it’s all he’s known. 

☽

Im between binges, Renjun prefers to fast. He eats before practice, something small to give him enough energy to dance, and nothing more. It’s been three days and he is beginning to feel the familiar effects of starvation settle in, but he welcomes them as if they are a family member coming home from a long vacation. 

Renjun wishes that he could stop, that he could get to a weight that made him happy and content, and he could work towards sustaining that weight. But everytime Renjun hits his goal weight, he can’t see the changes physically, so he adjusts until the magic number becomes lower and lower and _lower._

What started as a small diet quickly took over his life, until he started planning his every day around the hypothetical time when he finally feels thin enough. He wants to ask Jeno and Jaemin out, take one for the team and chase his own happiness. But first, he has to wait until he is desirable enough for them, until he is thin enough to be worthy of their love. 

He also chose not to go on holiday with his family this year, missing out on their annual beach vacation because the thought of having to go out in public with his bare arms and legs exposed made him uncomfortable. He misses the way the sand smushes against his toes, as the cold water runs up to his feet before disappearing again (Renjun has always had an affinity for fleeting happiness.) But there is always next year, once he looks different, better, _thinner_

Giving up life opportunities also means Renjun finds himself getting frustrated with his body at times. He puts it through a lot, and yet it never seems to change for him, never seems to shrink itself enough to the point where he is satisfied. So he tries harder, is more diligent and strict with his routines and measurements. He isn’t as thin as he’d like because he isn’t trying hard enough to be that thin. He’ll try harder. 

Today, he’s trying the hardest he ever has. He made it through an agonizing, three hour practice with nothing but a handful of almonds in his stomach. It’s the only thing he’s eaten in the last 48 hours, and probably the only thing he’ll eat until tomorrow if he can sustain it. 

It’s getting harder as the hours go by, however. Renjun promised to stay after his rehearsal to let Jisung into their dance studio and work with him. The younger has recently dropped his membership from the hip hop studio he used to attend, but still needs a space to dance. Renjun is happy to help, and the extra exercise will help him burn the fat that he sees gathering on his inner thighs.

But Jisung has clearly missed dancing quite a bit, and has been practicing in front of the mirror for hours. Renjun is trying to keep up, but every once in awhile his knees buckle, and he’s worried he is going to collapse.

Renjun tells Jisung that he is stopping so that he can switch to “monitoring” his moves, but in actuality he thinks he will pass out if he keeps this up. And if that happens, he risks getting caught and might have to stop. He doesn’t want to stop, not yet anyway. 

Renjun watches as Jisung moves with a precision defined by both immeasurable talent and years of practice. His mind wanders as he stares at the younger, watching him with dead, unfocused eyes. His eyelids close slowly, body too exhausted to put in the energy needed to stay awake. 

Just when he is about to fall properly asleep, however, Renjun is jolted back awake by a buzzing noise coming from his bag. He quickly reaches over and grabs it, examining the name on the caller-ID, and answering immediately when he sees who it is. 

_“Hey, can you meet me? I really need you right now…”_

And that’s all it takes for Renjun to stand up and start gathering his stuff. Jisung looks up, too distracted by his dancing to notice the brief phone call the older had just had. “Do we have to leave already, hyung?” Jisung asks, pout evident on his face. 

“I have to go meet Jeno. You can stay as long as you’d like, just clean up your stuff when you’re done. You’re really talented Jisung, I think you should join a studio again,” he says ruffling his hair tenderly. 

Jisung smiles, albeit awkwardly and in a way that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Renjun doesn’t notice, much too focused on getting to Jeno and making sure he is okay. 

He walks briskly to their meeting place, the small park next to campus, but has to stop every few feet because the speed is too much for his body to handle. But he doesn’t let that deter him, desperate to get the boy he loves and make sure he’s okay. 

Renjun spots him from meters away, standing under a tree with his hands shoved angrily into his pockets. He has a pout on his face, and it breaks Renjun’s heart into a million pieces. Jeno always cries when he is angry, and only yells when he is really angry, and Renjun hates seeing him in either vulnerable state. 

Jeno has always been somewhat impossible to Renjun. A little bit too nice, too smart, too handsome. He’s perfect in a way that seems out of reach, unearthly and unimaginable. There is simply no one like Jeno, and Renjun doesn’t feel worthy to even breathe the same air as him sometimes. But it’s okay, he is working to fix himself after all. 

When Jeno spots him, he waves him over, a small, gentle smile on his face. It’s nothing in comparison to the giant eye smiles Renjun is used to, so he speeds up again, despite the way his vision starts to blur around the edges. 

“Thank you for coming,” Jeno begins, as they start walking along the path. They make small talk for awhile before Jeno finally addresses the elephant in the room. “My parents went on another homophobic rant when I got home from school. Something about drag queens reading books to kids? I don’t know, I just know that I couldn't spend another second in that house,” he trails off, sad eyes looking off into the distance. 

Renjun reaches out and grabs Jeno’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Jeno turns their hands until their fingers are intertwined, swinging between them as they continue their walk. 

“That must’ve been hard to hear,” Renjun replies sympathetically. “Are you staying over at Donghyuck’s apartment again tonight?” he asks. Jeno nods once, swallowing thickly before continuing. 

“Part of me wanted to snap, tonight. To just yell at them for being such ignorant assholes. To tell them everything. That I’m gay, and no matter how much they wish I wasn’t, I will never change. It’s been like that a couple of times, but I always chicken out right before I open my mouth,” Jeno explains, gripping Renjun’s hand like a lifeline. 

“Just please be safe. I don’t want you to do something in the heat of the moment and regret it later on,” Renjun replies, looking at Jeno with wide, pleading eyes. 

Jeno stops walking for a moment, and Renjun is grateful for the opportunity to rest. The younger is looking off into the distance, a grave look on his face before he finally asks the question that’s been on his mind all afternoon. 

“Renjun, do you think I’m a coward for not coming out to my parents yet?” Jeno asks, voice thick with emotion. 

Renjun immediately reaches out and pulls Jeno into a long, tight hug. “Of course not, Jeno. Coming out is a very personal thing, and you can’t compare your situation to that of others. I think you’re the bravest person I know, and I wouldn’t have the strength to live every day as myself without you by my side,” he finishes. 

Jeno buries his face in Renjun’s shoulder, clinging to him as if they are the only thing keeping each other upright. For Renjun, this is exactly the case. But he doesn’t let himself focus on that, only paying attention to Jeno and his needs. 

“Thank you, that means a lot coming from you, Jun. I just need to take some time away from them again, stay with Hyuck for a few days,” Jeno responds pulling away. 

They start walking again, and their conversation shifts to that of a lighter tone. Renjun tries to pay attention, he really does, but the only thing he can focus on is his fight to stay conscious. 

“...so I told Mark to stop being a headass and get over it-Jun?” Jeno cuts himself off, turning towards Renjun who had stopped walking alongside of him. Renjun takes one look at Jeno’s worried gaze before his eyes roll into the back of his head and the entire world goes blank. 

☽

When he comes to, Renjun is laying on the ground in the grass with his head cradled in Jeno’s lap. Jeno looks absolutely terrified as he shakes Renjun, trying to wake him up, and the guilt seeps into Renjun’s soul and his blood running cold like icicles in his veins. 

“Oh thank god,” Jeno breathes once he finally is met with Renjun’s open eyes. “Are you okay, baby? What happened?” 

Renjun’s mind explodes with one hundred different excuses, none of which seem believable. He knows the best way to preserve the lifestyle he has created for himself is to put on a front around him friends, so that’s what he does.

“I think I overexerted myself today. Ballet was really tough today, and I stayed after practice to dance more with Jisung. It was just too much for me, I guess,” he explains, glad that he doesn’t have to _technically_ lie about the situation. 

“Have you eaten today?” Jeno asks, eyes pouring into Renjun’s, desperate for any sign that the boy in his arms is okay. Renjun swallows thickly at the question, but gives the answer that comes most naturally. 

“I ate what I normally eat,” he says. And there it is. The reason Renjun has gotten away with his darkest habit for so long. He doesn’t lie, and he doesn’t tell the truth. His vague statements are enough to shield him from any questionable reactions. 

Jeno frowns at Renjun’s answer. “That is much too little if you had extra practice,” Jeno explains. “Come on! I’m buying you dinner and we are going to make sure you are healthy and taken care of, alright? No exceptions.”

The thought of having to eat an entire meal makes Renjun’s insides twist, the panic raising high within him, and it all feels like too much. Luckily for him though, Renjun is an expert at concealing his emotions. He knows how to look perfectly ordinary when there is a wildfire in his chest.

So he nods and goes along with it, because if he doesn’t it’ll be suspicious. Jeno, though a little dense, is probably observant enough to catch on eventually. Renjun acknowledges that he has to make short-term sacrifices to achieve his long-term goal. 

They go to a restaurant nearby, and Jeno buys him a big meal, bigger than Renjun has eaten in a long time, excluding his binges. He enjoys his time there with Jeno, and it would almost feel like a date if he could somehow manage to push away the guilt that carries him throughout the meal. 

Renjun wishes more than anything in this moment that things were different. That he could enjoy a meal with the boy he loves without feeling like he is going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment. He doesn’t want his eating disorder hanging over his head all the time like a dark cloud threatening to chase away any sunshine. 

They finish the meal, and say goodbye, Renjun insisting he can make it home on his own. But before going back to his tiny little dorm, he makes a pitstop. He enters the familiar corner convenience store and picks up more food, preparing for another binge. He doesn’t even know if Mark will be home, and frankly, he is too far gone to care at this point. 

Luckily for him, he comes home to an empty apartment, and he proceeds to lay out all of the food again, similarly to three nights ago when he last had a binge. He eats an entire cake (his number one fear food outside of a binge), a family size bag of chips, and a pint of ice cream. 

He starts crying halfway through his meal, devastation unable to conceal itself now that he is in the comfortable presence of his own solitude. He staggers to the toilet and begins to purge, having to take breaks in between so that he can sob loudly into the toilet. 

He keeps going, for what feels like hours, even after he is sure that nothing is coming out anymore. Until something that has never happened before occurs; he looks in the toilet and sees _blood._

This _terrifies_ Renjun, and for the first time, he understands the fortitude in which the deep secret he’s been harboring for months has been killing him. 

So he does what he does in any time of stress, he reaches out for the one person who can take care of him better than anyone else, better than he can take care of himself. The person he needs during his own, personal wake-up call. _Jaemin._

Jaemin has always been there for him, since the very moment they met. He was the one who initially welcomed him into their group after Chenle introduced them to each other, the one who included him in every activity and outing after only one meeting. Always calling Renjun, asking him to join them on their group outings. 

From there, Jaemin’s role in Renjun’s life evolved into something deeper, more intimate. Jaemin made it very clear that if Renjun ever had a problem in life, he could come to him. He has only taken him up on the offer several times, but that’s more than Renjun is used to. He has dealt with his problems alone his entire life. 

For instance, when Renjun’s grandmother died and Jaemin found out. Without saying anything, he pulled Renjun into a hug while the older quietly broke down in his arms. He listened to the guilt, the pain, the grief, and Renjun was met with no judgment, only love and understanding.

When Renjun was young, we used to think that love is about who can make every happy day even happier, but it was Jaemin who taught him that love is about who is there for you when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. When there is no hope left at all. 

So with shaky hands, he picks up the phone and dials the familiar number. It’s the most nervous Renjun has ever been, but the blood decorating the inside of the toilet proves to Renjun that he is slowly destroying himself to the point of no return. That he needs help. 

“Hello,” an unfamiliar female voice answers. “Jaemin is a little busy right now, please call back later,” she giggles. 

There is muffling in the background, the sound of someone reaching to take the phone out of her hands, before the voice that gives Renjun more comfort than anything else finally speaks into the phone, “Hey Jun, you need anything?” 

“U-uh n-no,” Renjun stutters. “It’s not important, sorry for bothering you,” he replies quickly. 

“Renjun? Are you okay?” Jaemin asks seriously, clearly able to pick up on the tears that plague his speech. 

“Y-yes, sorry again. I have to go, goodbye,” he hangs up quickly. 

This must be a sign, a sign that this moment is a fluke and the blood is not that big of a deal. That he was dumb for thinking Jaemin would drop his entire life for him. To think that his own personal struggles were worth worrying Jaemin and Jeno over the way he did tonight. 

Renjun cleans up the bathroom, before heading out and cleaning up the mess he made. He takes the garbage out, and just like that the evidence of what he did is gone.

Renjun feels like everytime he binges and purges, he gets to take off the mask he lives in. The mask that tells everyone around him that he is healthy and normal. But now that the deed is done, he must put the mask on again and continue on like he hadn’t spent the entire evening harming himself. 

When he’s done cleaning up, he eats a handful of almonds, the blood enough to scare him into eating _something_. It burns his throat, but he likes the pain. It’s a reminder that he’s changing himself. That he’s fixing his flaws little by little. That one day, if he keeps it up just a little bit longer, he will look the way he wants to. 

The secret is safe with him. At least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter summary: renjun has a bad day in which he can't land a move at ballet practice, and is upset because Jaemin went home with someone. a few days later he meets jisung and they practice dance together before Renjun gets called to help Jeno, who had a fight with his homophobic parents. jeno buys him a meal and renjun seeks comfort in jaemin, who is actually with a girl when he calls. renjun hangs up and deals with it alone. 
> 
>  
> 
> thank you for reading, we are over halfway done with the fic omg!!! i also want to apologize because i went longer between uploads then i would like. i just felt really unhappy with how this chapter was turning out, and wanted to do it justice. i feel like sometimes i can have unhealthy thoughts about food, but it was hard to put those feelings into words if that makes sense??
> 
> anyways, i hope you all enjoyed, until next time xoxo


	5. PRIDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be quiet, be grateful for what you have, don't ask for help. This is the only way Jisung knows how to deal with his problems, and it's not getting him very far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everybody. this chapter has a little less angst than previous ones, mostly because i can't bear to make jisung suffer. anyways, hope you enjoy the chapter.

Jisung is, to put it quite simply, exhausted. It’s been a couple of months since he first began his new routine, but his body still hasn’t gotten used to it. Each day stretches on with no semblance of a break and Jisung has to deal with it whether he likes it or not. 

The days go like this: Jisung gets up at 7am, and gets ready for school, which starts at 8am. After he finishes his classes, he immediately goes to work at his part-time job at the gas station near his apartment. He works until 10pm, and does homework when he gets home until the wee hours of the morning. On weeks, we works 10 hour shifts and catches up on school work. Then, he repeats. 

Jisung never thought his life would be consumed by such grueling hours, but he also never expected his dad to lose his job because of a mental breakdown. Luckily, his dad has been in therapy for almost a year now, but the toll his illness took on the family is so deep-rooted Jisung knows it will scar.

His family used to be very well off, his dad holding down a fancy corporate job that provided enough income that his mother didn’t need to work. But when he was fired, their family lost everything. They had to sell their house and downsize to a much smaller apartment to keep afloat, and Jisung and his mother both had to get jobs to help pay for his father’s therapy bills.

His father is still out of work to this day, but Jisung thinks it’s worth the hours he has to put in at the gas station if it means his dad can have some peace of mind.

Jisung’s given up a lot to help his family. The first being practically all of his free time. He often has to ditch plans with his friends in order to pick up an extra shift at work. He also had to stop dancing, knowing he couldn’t afford the monthly studio fee in his current predicament. 

It’s takes a toll on him, and sometimes resentment towards his father boils up within him until he feels like he is going to explode. But then he remembers all of the times his father was there for him, all of the sacrifices he made to give Jisung a wonderful childhood, a wonderful life. Jisung is willing to make some sacrifices too. 

The motivation doesn’t stop the ache, though. The way his feet pulse with fatigue after standing all day, combined with the mind-numbing tiredness that courses through every brain cell he has, unable to focus as he does his homework well into the morning. 

It’s been worse the past couple of weeks, because he has been trying to earn even more money. The opening night of Chenle’s musical is coming up and Jisung wants to be able to buy him the largest bouquet of flowers to congratulate him. He also wants to be able to buy Chenle’s dinner when they go out with their friends after the show. 

They haven’t decided where they are going yet, but Jisung has a feeling it will be expensive. None of his friends are financially unstable like he is, and they celebrate special moments with hearty meals. Jisung knows that his friends would understand if he explained his predicament, but he keeps silent anyways; he doesn’t want to ruin their fun because he is poor now. 

Jisung hasn’t told anyone about his family’s situation, not even Chenle. He’s worried that if they find out, they will look at him differently, with pity. He especially doesn’t want them to look down on his father. Because despite everything they’ve gone through the past couple of years, Jisung is really proud of him for the progress he’s made. 

It’s been a long week, but Thursday is always special to him for one reason, and one reason only; pay-day. And when Jisung takes a look into his bank account, he sees the extra money he’s worked for waiting for him. To add to his excitement, he has the entire weekend off for the first time since he started his job. 

He’s stocking shelves, counting down the minutes until he can go home and get some rest. He has twenty minutes left, when the bell tolls, signalling someone has entered the building. When Jisung looks up, he is met with a familiar face. 

“Jisung? What are you doing here?” Jaemin asks, taking in the boys appearance. “Do you work here?” Jisung looks down at his uniform top, as well as his nametag, and knows then and there that there is no plausible lie that could get him out of this. 

“Uh y-yeah,” Jisung stutters. “I started working here a couple of months ago. You know. To learn responsibility and all that,” Jisung confesses, wanting more than anything for this conversation to end. He has kept his secret for a long time, telling his friends he was busy and not elaborating. He hasn't even considered the possibility of opening up to somebody. 

“I was just on my way back from a group meeting at the library. Why do you work all the way over here? Don’t you live on 8th Street?” Jaemin questions inquisitively. Jisung laughs awkwardly, unsure of how to answer the question, when another customer steps up to the register. Jisung rushes to help them, leaving Jaemin standing confused in the aisle. 

Jaemin eventually purchased his things and leave, not questioning Jisung further much to his relief. Jisung doesn’t stick around for much later either, his shift ending just minutes later. When he exits the store, Jaemin is outside waiting for him. 

“Let me walk you back,” Jaemin offers once he spots him, “You’re pretty far from home and it’s getting late,” he smiles at him. Jisung knows Jaemin won’t take no for an answer, being fiercely overprotective of him. So he has to come clean. 

“Umm,” Jisung begins apprehensively. “No I’m not. We actually moved at the end of last year,” he admits, confessing to someone for the first time since his father’s breakdown. 

Jaemin looks at him, concern evident on his features. “Jisung, what’s going on? You know you can trust me with anything, right?” he asked worriedly. And he’s right, Jisung _can_ trust him with anything. But it’s so hard to get the words out, to admit all of the ways his family has been struggling. But he’s in too deep, Jaemin already found out so much tonight. So Jisung confesses everything as they make the walk back to his shoebox-sized apartment. 

Jaemin listens to everything, nodding and letting out sympathetic noises at all of the correct parts. He doesn’t interrupt at all, and remains silent until Jisung is done finishing his story, ending with Jaemin walking into the convenience store tonight. 

“Is your family like...okay though? Are you okay?” Jaemin asks finally, looking at Jisung and searching for any hint of abuse or neglect. Luckily for Jisung, his situation is not like that. 

“Yeah,” Jisung replies, and for the most part he means it. “I mean, I’m a lot more tired than I was before because of all of the hours I’m working. But my dad’s getting better, and me and my mom are okay. It’s been kind of hard, but we’re more hopeful as the days pass on.”

Jaemin nods understandingly deep in thought. “I’m just so sorry you had to go through this alone,” he says, wrapping an arm around the younger. “I wish you would have reached out to me so I could have been there for you.”

Jisung feels guilty hearing this, especially knowing that Jaemin is going to internalize the isolation when he reflects on this later. “I just didn’t want to bother anyone. Especially because it just seemed like it wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, I still have a loving family and yeah my house is smaller and I work now, but there are people in much worse situations than I am. I mean look at Jeno’s home life…” he trails off. 

Jaemin looks mildly annoyed at the mention of Jeno’s parents, but brushes it off quickly. “Your problems are still valid Jisung, and you deserve to have people looking out for you. Especially when you’re our little baby. We want to take care of you,” he begins. 

“Jeno’s homelife sucks, and I would do anything to change that situation for him. But he still reaches out and asks for help. I can’t change your situation for you Jisung, I really can’t. But let me be there for you. Let me be the friend you need in the situation,” Jaemin begs, grabbing onto Jisung’s hand and tugging it.

Jisung tears up upon hearing this, knowing it has been a long time since he let himself be taken care of in such a way. “It’s been driving me crazy not talking about this,” Jisung admits, hastily wiping the tears away from his eyes before they can fall. “Usually when things went wrong in my life I would go to my dad, but now I can’t and I feel so alone someti-” he says before he’s cut off as Jaemin pulls him into a tight hug. 

“I’m here,” he shushes him. “I’m always gonna be here, so don’t worry. I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner,” Jaemin consoles him. “And the others will be there for you too, once you’re ready to tell them,” he adds, trying not to sound too pushy. 

Jisung thinks it over. “I don’t think I am quite ready to tell the others. I’ll probably tell Chenle first. I think I owe him an explanation after cancelling dates with him to pick up extra shifts at the gas station,” he admits. 

“He’ll understand when you tell him. They all will. Let go of your pride and let us take care of you for awhile,” Jaemin says as they arrive at Jisung’s apartment. He’s a little embarrassed at how shabby the building looks on the outside, but he knows that Jaemin isn’t going to judge him. 

They part ways shortly after and Jisung goes to bed with his heart feeling lighter than it has in months. 

☽

The next day, Jisung is ready, sitting front and center at his high school’s auditorium with the biggest bouquet of flowers he could afford. His friends are all next to him, holding their own bouquets, ready to watch Chenle steal the show in the musical. 

And that is exactly what he does. Chenle has one of the biggest parts, and is easily the breakout star of the performance. Jisung may be biased, but he thinks anyone could see what an incredible performer he is, and Jisung is so proud that the boy standing in front of him tolerates his nonsense. 

After the show, they all take Chenle out for a meal to celebrate. The restaurant is moderately priced, and although Chenle orders something somewhat expensive, Jisung’s opts for a cheaper meal to offset the cost enough that he pay for both. He’s wanted to treat Chenle for awhile now, but has never had the funds to do so. 

After the meal, everyone rushes off, each of his friends with a different place to go. Chenle and Jisung decide to take a brisk walk through the park, neither wanting to separate after a joyous day worth celebrating more. 

They talk about a variety of topics between Donghyuck’s upcoming surgery, when Renjun, Jaemin, and Jeno will finally get their shit together and start dating, and how Mark manages to balance 500 extra-curricular activities and stay sane. 

“Enough about our friends,” Chenle begins, “Tell me what’s new with you. I feel like we haven’t had much time alone lately.” And he’s right, Jisung thinks. They’ve both been busy, but Chenle doesn’t even know the reason all of Jisung’s hours have been occupied. And Chenle looks at Jisung so earnestly, with so much love and appreciation, that Jisung can’t help but explain his family situation to him. 

“I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that, Sungie,” Chenle says after hearing the story. Halfway through Jisung explaining why he’s been so busy lately, the couple migrated to a bench where they’ve been having the conversation since. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, I was starting to get a little concerned. I thought maybe you didn’t want to spend time with me anymore or that you didn’t like me or something,” Chenle admits quietly. 

“What!?” Jisung questions loudly, grabbing Chenle’s hand and forcing him to meet his lies. “Of course I still like you. I just didn’t want you to think your boyfriend was a loser,” he answers quickly, not thinking about the weight of his words. 

But Chenle catches on right away. “Boyfriend?” he asks seriously, as Jisung’s blood runs cold, suddenly becoming more nervous than he was ten minutes ago explaining his father’s depressive episode. 

“I mean… well yeah, I consider you my boyfriend. But only if you want to of course, no pressure-” Jisung responds before he is promptly cut off by Chenle’s lips pressing into his. 

“I would love to be your boyfriend Park Jisung,” he says against his lips, the two having to break away from smiling so hard at each other. 

“And for the record, I don’t think you’re a loser. I would never judge you for such a thing, okay? And I know it may be hard to accept monetary help from someone, but the offer is always on the table. More importantly, you can be honest with me about your problems and know I won’t judge you. I’m officially your boyfriend now, it’s going to take a lot more than this to get rid of me baby,” Chenle winks. 

Jisung’s face is bright red, both from the use of the pet name as well as how giddy and happy he feels to have someone like Chenle in his life. Someone who lets him set aside his pride for long enough to open his arms to the help of others. 

They spend a little longer cuddling on a park bench before Jisung insists that Chenle goes home and gets some rest. He has both a matinee and an evening show tomorrow (Jisung will be attending both), and needs to be well rested. 

They both feel better after having communicated their feelings with each other. Now that Jisung’s secret is out, they can plan dates better, and with Chenle’s musical ending soon, they’ll have more time to spend together. 

They part with smiles on their faces and love in the hearts after a beautiful evening together. Walking away knowing they have a boyfriend to come back to is nice, as well. 

☽

Usually when he gets home at night, his parents are already asleep. However, tonight there is someone in their tiny living room waiting for him. His dad sits slouched, glasses perched on the tip of his nose, as he does a crossword puzzle. 

His shoulders sag like they’ve spent the past day balancing the entire world on them. Jisung doesn’t judge him though, he’s learned through the years just how much energy it takes for his dad to keep himself alive. 

“Welcome home, Jisung,” his dad murmurs gently, gentle smile gracing his face. Jisung is grateful for this small action, remembering a time when he went months without seeing his father display any sort of emotion. “You seem to be in a good mood today,” he says as Jisung takes a seat next to him. 

“I am. I have the weekend off, and it was Chenle’s opening night for his musical so me and the guys took him out afterwards to celebrate. It was nice to have a little break, and it’s always nice to spend time with my friends again,” he replies, sinking into the couch as the fatigue from the long day begins to set into his bones. 

His dad looks at him guiltily, before responding, “Good. I’m happy for you, son. I know the past couple of years have been hard, but I’m so grateful to you for stepping up and being the man of this house when I couldn’t. I’m sorry for all of the sacrifices you’ve had to make because of me,” he says, looking down sadly. 

“It’s okay, dad,” Jisung responds immediately, not missing a beat. “I’d work 100 hours a week if it meant this family was afloat and all of us were safe,” he says earnestly. And he means every word of it. He’d rather be exhausted balancing work and school, than to live a life without his father by his side. 

His dad looks at him with so many emotions in his eyes that Jisung can’t quite decipher what he is thinking. “I’m so proud of you,” his dad finally says. “You’ve grown into such an amazing young man, and I couldn’t have gotten through these past few years without you.”

Jisung tears up at his dad’s words. He hasn’t heard such words in a really long time. In fact, he hasn’t felt what it is like to truly have a father in a long time. And it makes every hour Jisung spent working, despite how tiring it was, worth it. Because his dad is here with him and he’s getting better. 

“I talked with my therapist and she thinks I am ready to go back to work. I’m going to start applying for things this week and see if I can find something. Start out part time and work my way up as time goes on. It won’t be much, but hopefully it will give you a chance to relax. Cut back hours and start being a kid again,” his father continues. 

At this point Jisung has tears steadily falling from his cheeks, as he lets himself he be wrapped up into a hug from his father. For so long, Jisung has had to be the adult in their relationship, and he revels in the fact that things are slowly going back to normal. “I’m just glad you’re getting better,” he cries out. His dad just grips him tighter. 

It’s in this moment that Jisung realizes that getting help is not something to be ashamed of; that letting your pride get in the way of your well-being is detrimental to everyone involved. When he looks at his dad, he understands that sometimes there is no braver act then letting those who love you take care of you for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i originally had mark and jisung's sins switched but i actually think this is more cohesive with the storylines i have planned for the characters. 
> 
> speaking of mark, his chapter is next, and shit is going to hit the fan. spoiler alert: it's not going to be as lovey-dovey as this chapter. 
> 
> anyways, leave any feedback you have in the comments and until next time, xoxo


	6. GREED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a well-known fact that Mark is always busy. He is a full-time student, on his University’s basketball team, President of the Korean Student Association, member of a bible study, and part-time employee at a recording studio. Balancing all of this with a social life is difficult, but Mark can’t help but want it all, so he tries to manage it all as best as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, just a warning that this chapter has some triggering themes, which are tagged above, and specifically between two bolded periods, so you can skip that part if you so choose. 
> 
> please enjoy!!

It’s a well-known fact that Mark is always busy. He is a full-time student, on his University’s basketball team, President of the Korean Student Association, member of a bible study, and part-time employee at a recording studio. Balancing all of this with a social life is difficult, but Mark can’t help but want it all, so he tries to manage it all as best as he can. 

He knows it's a lot, and that he runs into the issue of potentially overworking himself. However, the thought of giving any of it up pains him. He wants it all, even if it’s difficult most days. 

Like today for example. It’s Saturday morning, and Mark is at the recording studio bright and early. He technically took the day off from all of his activities, but he couldn’t help himself from coming in and getting some work done. 

He can’t stay long, though. Today is the day of Donghyuck’s surgery and he promised the boy that he would be there for him. Donghyuck had never had a major surgery before, and had been quite nervous about going under the knife, anxiously calling Mark all week to ensure that he’d be there to help him through it. 

They made plans to meet at the hospital when Donghyuck goes to check-in for his surgery at 11:00. It’s now 10:45, but Mark isn’t too worried. He can be a little late, as long as he gets there before they put Donghyuck under. 

He works for another twenty minutes, before getting a frantic text from Renjun. 

_“Hyuck’s freaking out about the surgery and he keeps asking for you. Are you coming???”_

He decides then that it’s time to pack up his things and head-over, but just as he is about to leave he is stopped by his supervisor. “Hey Mark,” the man, Taeil, says. “Are you sure you want to leave? I know you aren’t scheduled today but Ten is coming in at noon to record his new album, and I know you’re a big fan of his. It would be a great opportunity for you to meet him, and work with him a little,” he explains. 

Ten is Mark’s favorite artist of all-time. He is someone who combines dance, music, and rap in a way that could only be described as ground-breakingly artistic, and beautifully raw. Working with him is Mark’s greatest goal in life. He simply can’t pass up this opportunity. 

So Mark makes the decision to stay. There isn’t much Mark could do at the hospital anyways, while Donghyuck is in surgery. It’s just a minor procedure too, so he isn’t worried about anything going wrong. He’s sure that if he shows up once the surgery is over, it’ll be fine. He can be there for Donghyuck then, to make up for it. He can be both a loving boyfriend, as well as a part-time sound engineer for his favorite artist. 

Meeting Ten is incredible, and he gets lost in the art of music production so easily. Hours pass, and Mark is shocked when he looks up at the clock and sees that it’s almost 5pm. Ten questions him, asking him if there is somewhere else he needs to be. 

“It’s fine,” Mark responds. “It’s just my boyfriend had surgery earlier today. I didn’t even realize it had gotten so late. He’s probably out by now, I should text him and check up on him,” he finishes passively. 

Ten looks shocked after hearing the news. “Oh my god, go! I’m sorry for keeping you, you should really go and check-in on him. I’ll be back to work on the record later this week, we can meet up then,” Ten urges. 

Mark feels a bit reluctant at first, unsure if he should really go or not. But after Ten and Taeil urge him, he finally packs up his bag and heads to the hospital. Once he arrives, he is brought up to the fifth floor, and led to a closed door. He is about to enter, before the nurse stops him. 

She pokes her head in instead, and calls out “Donghyuck? There is a boy here to see you. His name is Mark and says he is your boyfriend,” she speaks into the room. Mark tries to peak over her shoulder to get a look at his boyfriend, but is unable to see behind the nurse’s bushy, curly hair. 

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” he hears the familiar, honey voice say assertively. At this point, Mark is getting impatient. He pushes through the nurse and enters the room, despite her protests. “Come on, Hyuck. Stop playing around,” he says as he walks further into the room. His boyfriend seems okay for the most part, nothing abnormal about his appearance, minus the obvious fact that he’s just come out of surgery. 

“Do you need me to call security, Donghyuck?” the nurse asks, looking at Mark apprehensively. Donghyuck seems to drop the act and assures her that it’s fine, and Mark can stay. She nods, before quietly exiting the room, leaving the two alone. 

“Is no one here with you right now?” Mark asks, noticing that his boyfriend’s bedside is notably empty. He had expected some of their friends to be there with him, all of them planning to stay at the hospital for some part of the day. 

“Not right now. Renjun and Jaemin were here before the surgery and until after I got out. The others visited throughout the day. Also, Jeno is spending the night, but I sent him back to the apartment to get that fuzzy blanket I like. He should be back soon,” Donghyuck explains blankly. Mark chooses not to mention his bland tone. 

“He doesn’t have to do that, I could stay here with you. I would ask if you were feeling okay, but I can tell that you are from the way you joked with the nurse about not having a boyfriend,” Mark chuckles, reaching forward to grab Donghyuck’s hand. 

Donghyuck immediately rips his hand away, careful not to jostle the IV that is attached to him. “I wasn’t joking, Mark. I don’t have a boyfriend,” he says, tone changing to something more hostile. 

Mark blinks confused at him. “Wh-what do you mean? I-I don’t understand,” he stutters, genuinely confused at what his boyfriend is trying to say. 

“I mean we are no longer dating, Mark. I’m breaking up with you,” Donghyuck explains. He sounds self-assured, but Mark can see the way his lip is wobbling as he speaks. 

Mark stares at his (ex?) boyfriend, mouth agape, unable to think of anything to say in response. It’s a solid ten seconds before he finally gains enough control over himself to reply, “What? W-why?”

Donghyuck’s eyes well with tears, and Mark hates himself for it. Hates himself for making Donghyuck cry, especially when he is already in the hospital. “Because I really needed you today, and you weren’t there. You knew I needed you, I know you saw Renjun’s text, and you weren’t there. If you can’t even be there for me when I’m in the hospital, I don’t think I can rely on you for anything,” he replies, looking away, because it’s all too much. Too much to deal with when his leg is already hurting, and the anxiety from the surgery hasn’t fully worn off. 

Mark looks at him seriously for a moment, before he lets out another short, stunted laugh. “The pain medicine must be getting to you, Donghyuck. I don’t think you’re in the right frame of mind right now,” he says, reaching out again only to be denied once more. 

“I’m not high or thinking irrationally, Mark. I don’t want to be with you anymore, and I’ve explained to you why. You can choose to accept it or not, but either way I’m not changing my mind,” Donghyuck replies. His tone is more serious than Mark has ever heard, and he knows that he’s fucked up irreparably. 

“B-but,” Mark says, voice small and vulnerable, “But I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you, Mark-” Donghyuck begins before being promptly cut off. “Then why would you stop fighting for us?” Mark yells, his own eyes tearing up, and spilling onto his cheeks. 

“I only stopped because you never started,” Donghyuck wails. “I have been there for all of your basketball games, every fundraiser you have for KSA. I’ve brought you food when you were locked up in the studio, and brought you coffee when you are pulling all-nighters during finals week. When have you _ever_ done anything like that for me? In the last year, can you name even _one_ instance you’ve been there for me when I needed you?” he asks, voice bordering on hysterical. 

And Mark wants to refute immediately, respond with all of the times he’s taken care of his boyfriend, but much to his disappointment, he can’t think of any. Not even a single instance. Mark’s heart shatters into a million pieces. 

“You’re so greedy, Mark,” Donghyuck continues, as Mark breaks down into full blown sobs, head cradled into his hands. “You want everything so badly, you split yourself into a hundred pieces to try to achieve it. But you’re giving everyone a half-assed version of yourself. And I’m sick of lying to myself that you’ll wake up one day and pay even an ounce of attention to me,” he finishes, breathing heavily from his rant.

“Donghyuck, please,” Mark cries before being stopped by Donghyuck. “I think it’s time for you to leave, Mark. I’m getting tired, and I don’t think I have the energy to continue talking about this right now,” he responds. And Mark knows it’s true, he can tell by the way his boyfriend’s warm eyes are starting to droop. 

“But,” he tries to argue weakly, before being cut off once again, this time by a different voice. 

“You heard him Mark,” Jeno says, entering the room carrying a fuzzy blanket, as well as a bag filled with other things brought from Donghyuck’s apartment. “I think it’s time to leave. Maybe you two can talk later, but right now Donghyuck needs rest,” he says sternly, fire behind his eyes. 

Mark tries to argue but knows there is no use going against Jeno once he has his mind made up. He is a stubborn and loyal Taurus, and won’t put his loved ones in harm's way, even to the smallest degree. 

So Mark goes home, defeated and heartbroken, and most significantly _alone_. 

☽

It’s been four days since Donghyuck broke up with Mark and the older has yet to hear from his ex, or most of their friends. Despite their separation, Mark has done everything he can to try to show Donghyuck he cares deeply for him. 

He orders Postmates from Donghyuck’s favorite restaurants and has it delivered to the boy’s apartment for every, included something extra for Jeno, who no doubt has been staying with the injured boy. He also sends various gifts that he’s bought to Donghyuck via Chenle, who is one of their only friends who is currently talking to him. 

His wallet is emptying rapidly, but Mark isn’t sure how else to show Donghyuck his love when he can’t get into contact with the younger boy. He’d go bankrupt if it meant Donghyuck would start talking to him again.

The only other one who isn’t giving him the silent treatment is Renjun, and Mark takes full advantage of that. He waits for Renjun to get home like a puppy, glancing at the door every five minutes. When he finally arrives, he asks a million questions about Donghyuck and how the boy is doing. Renjun indulges him a little, but it's still ions away from where Mark would like to be in relation to him. 

Jaemin, Jeno, and Jisung have been silent, not answering any of Mark’s calls or messages. He supposes he deserves it based on how terribly he treated Donghyuck, as well as all of the times he cancelled his plans with the rest of them. 

That is why he is particularly surprised when he gets a phone call in the middle of the day from Jaemin after days of virtual radio silence. He answers it frantically desperate for any contact from his friends, and is met with screaming **.**

“What the fuck, Mark? You’ve been living with Renjun for fucking months, how could you not have noticed? He’s been slowly killing himself for so long, HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE NOTICED?” Jaemin yells into the receiver, and Mark doesn’t even know where to begin to respond. 

“Jaemin, calm down. What the hell are you talking about?” Mark asks. He’s getting more nervous as the phone call drags on. Not only are his friends very angry with him, but it sounds like something might be wrong with Renjun, one of the only people who has been there for him since the breakup. 

“Jisung found him in the bathroom with his fingers down his throat. He… he was making himself throw up. He admitted that he’s been doing it for months,” Jaemin’s voice breaks at the admission, and Mark’s heart shatters right along with it. “Come to Donghyuck’s. I don’t care how fucked up everything is right now, Renjun’s your best friend and he needs you right now,” Jaemin finishes, hanging up immediately. 

Mark gets to Donghyuck’s apartment in record speed. He’s beyond nervous at the thought of seeing Donghyuck and his other friends again, but he pushes the anxiety away. This isn’t about him; it’s about Renjun and making sure that he is okay. 

When he enters the apartment, he is immediately overwhelmed by the somber energy radiating throughout the room. Renjun is sat in Jaemin’s lap, crying as the younger boy pets his hair and whispers comforting words into his ear. 

Jisung and Chenle sit across from them gripping each other’s hands tight, neither saying a word. Jeno is pacing behind them, the most distraught look Mark has ever seen gracing his eyes. And Donghyuck, _his Donghyuck,_ sits off to the side looking vulnerable and shaken, and Mark wants nothing more than to go over and comfort him. But that isn’t his place anymore. 

Mark sits down on the floor, no one greeting him, except for Chenle who reaches out and grabs onto him with his free hand, grounding him. He turns towards him and gives him a grateful smile. No one says anything for another couple of minutes before finally, Jisung speaks up. 

“Could I speak to Renjun privately?” Jisung asks, immediately being met with a glare from Jaemin, who grips onto the boy in his arms even tighter. 

“It’s just,” Jisung begins, weary of Jaemin’s reluctance, “Some of you may not know, but my dad suffered from a mental breakdown a couple of years ago and had to quit working and everything. But he started seeing a therapist and he’s slowly gotten better, he even has a job interview next week. I’d like to talk with Renjun about maybe getting help. If you’re okay with that Renjunnie, of course,” Jisung says, turning his attention until it’s solely on Renjun. 

Renjun, pulls away from where his face was buried in Jaemin’s neck, and contemplates for a second. After a moment, he nods gently, and everyone begins to file out of the room except for the two of them. Jaemin looks reluctant to leave, and only heads towards the kitchen with the rest of them once he’s promised that he’ll be there in a second if Renjun needs him. 

The five of them gather gather around the island in the kitchen, the mood just as grim as it had been in the other room. Jaemin, attention forcibly taken from Renjun, turns to Mark and glares. “Nice of you to join us, Mark,” he says snarkily. 

“Is this really the time Jaemin? I don’t know why you’re trying to blame this entire situation on me but it’s highly unnecessary,” Mark responds, not having the energy to put up with Jaemin after days of dealing with his own heartbreak. 

Jaemin scoffs at the response, before replying “You’re his roommate Mark. How could you not notice? Are you that self-absorbed that you couldn’t notice that your roommate was in the bathroom throwing up all this time?” 

Jaemin’s words sting, and Mark can’t feel hurt at the assumption that he is in some way responsible for this. “Me? What about you? You’re practically in love with him and you didn’t even notice? Do _you_ even care at all?” Mark says, knowing he is taking this a step too far, escalating their argument in a way that it doesn’t need to. 

“ENOUGH!” Jeno yells, before turning towards Mark with absolute venom in his eyes. Mark gulps nervously, knowing Jeno only gets angry when something really fucked up is happening. “Don’t you _ever_ talk to him like that again,” Jeno growls, voice cold and cruel in a way Mark has never heard from his friend. 

“I did notice,” Jaemin says quietly, attention turning back towards him, as tears flow freely from his eyes. “Me and Jeno knew something was wrong and were talking about ways to approach him about it. I just never, I never thought that it would be something like this,” he cries, Donghyuck reaching out and pulling him into his arms. Mark’s heart hurts that he can’t do the same for any of the boys right now. 

“Did he say anything after Jisung found him?” Chenle asks tentatively from beside Mark. His face looks troubled, and Mark hates seeing his favorite little brother so upset. He hates seeing any of them this upset. 

“Not really. He just admitted that this is something he’s been doing for months,” Jeno replies mournfully. “Jaemin talked to him a little bit when he was holding him though,” he explains. 

“I told him I want him to stay with me for a while so that I can keep an eye on him and he agreed,” Jaemin responds. “I just don’t feel comfortable trusting him with Mark after all of this,” he finishes. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Mark snarls. 

“You don’t even care enough about your own boyfriend to take care of him and I’m supposed to trust you with Renjun when he is this unwell?” Jaemin counters. 

And it’s a really low blow. The kind that knocks Mark’s breath away with the cruelty of it. “How dare you,” he finally whispers back. “I would do _anything_ for him, don’t even talk like that. You, you don’t understand-” he says before a small voice cuts him off. 

“Please stop,” Donghyuck says, eyes watery, and all of the fight leaves Mark’s body. He’s angry with Jaemin, _so fucking angry_ , but he can’t bear to hurt Donghyuck more than he already has. An awkward silence follows for the next several minutes before Jisung re-enters and tells them he’s finished his talk with Renjun. 

Jisung and Chenle leave shortly afterwards, Jisung having to get to work, and Chenle having to go meet up with his family. They both give Renjun long, tight hugs before they leave, and the rest of them settle back into the living room, Jeno and Jaemin migrating to Renjun’s side with a force stronger than any magnet on earth. 

“Jisung is going to help me set up an appointment with a therapist. I’m kind of scared but I want to get better. I’m tired of feeling like this all the time,” Renjun explains, starting to cry again at the topic. He’s cried a lot today, but after keeping such a dark secret for many months, Mark thinks it might feel cathartic to let all of the emotion out. 

“Feeling like what, sweetie?” Jaemin prods. “You can talk to us about anything. But only if you’re ready,” he reassures gently. 

Renjun takes a deep breath, before explaining “It’s like its the only thing I think about. All of my thoughts revolve around food, and exercise, and calories, and being fat, and my own hunger. When I’m eating all I feel is guilt, like I’m ruining my own body by making myself look fat and disgusting. But when I’m not eating all I can think about is how hungry I am and how I’m also ruining my body this way,” he says, tears flowing not just from his eyes, but everyone’s in the room. 

“And I know it’s fucked up, but I can’t stop. Because it doesn’t seem as important. Nothing seems as important as being thin. And I’m so ashamed that it let it get to this point, that I chose being thin over everything else, but I don't know how to stop it,” Renjun cries into his hands, before Jeno reaches out and cuddles into him. 

“Did you ever tell anyone? Or think about reaching out?” Donghyuck asks, looking away. It was hard for Donghyuck to see his partner-in-crime in such a vulnerable state. They all looked up to Renjun for his strength and stability in life, and this is the first time they’ve seen him so vulnerable. 

Renjun looks at Jaemin and Jeno hesitantly before responding, “There was one day. When I threw up blood for the first time,” he whispers, and Mark’s heart drops. This sounds bad. Really fucking bad. 

Jeno chokes on a sob, crying into Renjun’s neck openly. Mark has never seen him cry before, but he can’t imagine Donghyuck telling him something like that and not immediately breaking down from the pain it would cause. Mark isn’t even in love with Renjun, and the pain from hearing about the way he is suffering feels nearly unbearable. 

“I’m sorry for hurting you all,” Renjun apologizes. “I was going to stop once I got thin enough. But the day never came. I kept losing weight but I didn’t see any change in my appearance. I just want to be beautiful,” Renjun admits.

“You are so beautiful. You always have been and you always will be. And we’re going to get you help. I promise we’re going to get you better so that you don’t have to feel like this anymore,” Jaemin says seriously, gripping Renjun’s chin and staring into his eyes. 

Mark has to look away, the scene of the three boys in front of him gripping onto each other so tightly too feeling too intimate for his eyes. He looks across the room, eye wandering and he makes eye contact with Donghyuck for the first time that night. 

His cheeks are stained with tears, but even then he is so beautiful. And Mark knows that Donghyuck is right, he is greedy. Because Mark wants every bit and piece of Donghyuck that he can take. He wants him when his head is thrown back, a beautiful smile overtaking his entire face. He wants him like he is now, tears streaming down his face, exposed and seeking comfort. 

Mark, despite everything they’ve been through in the past week, reaches out and grasps onto Donghyuck’s hand, giving him an anchor to hold onto. He hopes Donghyuck understands the weight of the gesture, what exactly Mark means by it. 

_Grab onto me, and I will always lift you up. Let me show you the weight of my love for you. The way I feel it in every cell in my body. How the cells will die eventually, only for new cells to be born, all of which were made to love you eternally. How my love for you will persevere and prosper until the very last cell of my decayed body dies thousands of years from now. Like I was put on this earth to do one thing; to love and care for you._

Donghyuck looks at Mark with wide, grieving eyes, and squeezes his hand. He knows that this doesn’t fix everything, that Mark has a long way to go if he is ever going to get his boyfriend back. But they both need the comfort right now, and they’ve always felt safest by each other’s side. 

☽

The 5 of them talk for another couple of hours, seeking comfort in each other. Mark has the opportunity to offer Renjun his own comfort, which the younger gladly accepts. He also has a moment to talk with Jaemin and they apologize to each other, gripping each other tightly as the severity of Renjun’s secret creeps up upon them once more. 

Renjun leaves Donghyuck’s apartment in the evening with both Jeno and Jaemin by his side. Mark is uneasy about the boy being out of his sight, scared of what he may do when Mark isn’t there to watch him. But Renjun is his best friend; he knows better than most people just how strong he is, how he can get through anything. 

Plus he has two people looking out for him who love him more than anything. Mark thinks eventually, through determination, hard work, and a lot of love and support from all seven of them, Renjun will recover **.**

That leaves him and Donghyuck alone in the apartment, and despite how emotionally taxing the day had been, Mark knows they need to have their own serious talk. For the sake of Mark’s own sanity he needs to explain things to Donghyuck. 

“Did you get the food I had sent?” Mark begins, hoping to ease his way into the conversation. 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck replied, a small smile on his face. “Did you forget I can hardly move? I’m going to gain weight if you keep it up,” he jokes, lightening the mood, and easing the tension in Mark’s heart slightly. 

“But baby, I love when your cheeks get a little chubby, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” Mark responds, reaching out and pinching Donghyuck’s cheeks before awkwardly retreating upon realization of his actions. He doesn’t know if he is allowed to touch Donghyuck like that anymore. 

The seconds that follow are stiff, the direct result of two people who have a lot to say, but neither brave enough to start the conversation.

“Wait,” Donghyuck says suddenly. “What are you even doing here? Don’t you have basketball practice right now?” Mark is shocked at the sudden outburst, especially because he had forgotten that Donghyuck doesn’t know yet about the changes Mark has made in his life in these past few days. 

“Oh, that,” Mark replies casually. “I quit the team. I also withdrew from bible study.” Donghyuck looks at him shocked “What? But you love basketball? And bible study was important to you too,” Donghyuck responds. 

Mark takes a deep breath, knowing this conversation is going to lead directly into them addressing their issues. “Yeah well… I realized you were right when you said I was greedy. I was stretching myself too thin because I wanted to do everything and have everything and _be_ everything. I’m trying to prioritize the things that are most important to me now. Like school, and the studio, and, well… you…” Mark trails off. 

Donghyuck looks dumbstruck upon Mark’s admission, shocked at what he is hearing. “Mark… I don’t want you to give up the things you love just because you think I want you to. My intention was never to guilt you into spending time with me or anything like that, I promise,” he says quietly, voice laced with slight remorse. 

Mark reaches forward, grabbing Donghyuck’s chin gently, and forcing him to meet his eyes. “You're not guilting me into anything. You made me realize something I should’ve learned a long time ago. Me trying to balance everything isn’t good for anyone. And I’ve decided to choose what is most important to me to focus on,” Mark replies, stroking Donghyuck’s cheek soothingly. 

“And you chose me?” Donghyuck asks tentatively, and somewhat dumbfounded. The thought that he seems so shocked that Mark would ever prioritize him hurts a little, and reaffirms to Mark that he needs to put more time and effort into making Donghyuck understand just how much he loves him. 

“I’ll always choose you,” Mark replies. “Above everything and anything I will _always_ choose you.” Donghyuck’s eyes fill with tears, and Mark feels guilty upon realizing that this is probably the first time he’s said something so intimate to his boyfriend. 

Donghyuck reaches forward, pulling Mark into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he wails into his chest. “I just really convinced myself that you didn’t care at all. And it hurt, it hurt so much that I didn’t know how to react.”

Mark just grips him tightly, whispering reassurances into his ear. He thinks of how it hurt to quit the basketball team and his bible study group, but how none of it mattered in comparison to the way his entire body ached from the heartbreak of potentially losing the love of his life. Mark made his choice, and it was a no brainer. 

☽

When Mark arrives back at the studio later in the week, it’s obvious that something has changed within him; he seems more focused, more self-assured. Ten, despite not knowing him very well, picks up on it. 

“You seem to be in a good mood,” Ten goades, “Did something happen? Something regarding that boyfriend of yours perhaps?” he presses. 

Mark smiles slowly, before admitting, “He broke up with me this week actually,” he replies, confusing Ten a lot. “And are you… happy about that?” he asks, confused by the smile on the younger boy’s face. 

Mark shakes his head slightly, “No, but I needed it. I was trying to balance a relationship, and this job, and school, and a million other things. Him breaking up with me made me realize that being involved in so many things meant I couldn’t give proper attention to anything,” Mark admits, surprised at the way Ten nods along. 

“You know, Mark, you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age,” Ten replies, much to Mark’s surprise. “I wanted to impress everyone by being the one who could do everything. But you aren’t a martyr for your time. You don’t have to stretch yourself to the point that you snap just to accomplish things. It isn’t a healthy way to live. If you can find a couple of things that make you really happy and devote yourself to those choices, I promise it’ll be more rewarding in the end,” Ten offers. 

“What did you end up choosing if you don’t mind me asking?” Mark asks cautiously, careful not to pry. 

“I chose music and dance. I dedicated everything I had to those two things for a long time and I don’t regret it at all. And recently, I’ve also chosen a 6’1 puppy from Hong Kong. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made, Mark. I’m sure you will be too,” Ten responds to his questions. 

“I chose music, and school, and… Donghyuck. All of my friends, really, but Donghyuck most importantly,” Mark says, eyes getting misty at how easy it is to talk about his love for Donghyuck. His admission feels like a testimonial, and he wants everyone to know about it. 

“It sounds like you love him a lot,” Ten smiles at him. “Is he your first love?” he asks. 

“Yeah,” Mark responds immediately. “My first and last.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and ten and mark go on to write and record my first and last which tops the charts immediately! 
> 
> this chapter was longer than I anticipated and so full of angst oops sorry. i was going to keep markhyuck broken up originally but as i was writing, my hands had a mind of their own as i was typing and gave them a happier ending. 
> 
> also tencas was totally unplanned, it came out of nowhere too, damn hands stop taking over my writing.
> 
> can you believe we are almost done? just one more chapter left! until next time, xoxo


	7. WRATH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno doesn't get mad often, only when his parents are being particularly homophobic. He can't decide if a few snide remarks are worth losing his entire family, but he doesn't know how much longer he can control himself before the wrath takes over, and he snaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. i can't believe it but here it is. the final chapter. enjoy!!!!!
> 
> also shoutout to religious people who aren't bigots y'all are the best

“Bless us, O Lord,” Jeno’s father begins, as their entire family sits around the table, heads tilted towards the ground, and hands grasped tightly in their laps. Jeno listens to the words, but they mean nothing to him. It’s hard to be that enthused about a gospel that tells him he is an abomination. 

“And these thy gifts,” he continues, as Jeno stealthily turns his gaze towards his father. He has a stern expression on his face, eyes closed tightly emphasizing his crows feet. His forehead also has deep set lines, Jeno assumes from all of the frowning he does. 

“Which we are about to receive,” and when he looks at his mother, he sees a face tight and flawless, from her expensive skincare routine (and also the botox.) His mom has always been very concerned with how others view her, which is part of the reason why she raised her kids to be as perfect as possible. 

“Through thy bounty,” speaking of perfect, his sister sits beside him, following along with the prayer like she means it, because she does. She is everything their parents want her to be: about to graduate med-school, engaged to a nice, Christian man, and dressed head to toe in Dior. The apple of their eye. 

“Through Christ our Lord we pray,” and her fiance sits beside her, the very definition of everything that is right in the world according to Jeno’s parents. The son that they always wanted Jeno to be. The son they think he is, because they don’t know yet just how much their son has defied all of their expectations. 

“Amen,” they all say together, Jeno included. He still keeps up the facade of good little church boy, but every day it gets harder and harder. Once he realized how liberating it was to actually be himself after years of hiding, he determined he could never go back. 

When Jeno first realized that he liked boys, he decided to internalize it immediately. This was a secret he was prepared to take to the grave. But as each of his friends slowly began coming out to him over the years, he started to wonder why he was so ashamed of himself; why he kept this part of himself locked away for so long. 

It wasn’t until he tried to kiss a girl, Yeeun, at a party, that it really hit him. He just simply couldn’t do it. It felt wrong, and he ran away from her the second they pulled away. Donghyuck had found him, and coaxed the truth out of him. 

It took months of confiding in his best friend before Jeno was over his internalized homophobia enough to come out to their friends. Since then, he’s gotten more comfortable with his sexuality, and that’s all thanks to his friends who were there to support him when his family wasn’t. 

If it hadn’t been for his friends reminding Jeno that he is valid, he probably would’ve been in a very dark place. They’ve all been there for him throughout the years, but over time some things have changed a little. Specifically with Jaemin and Renjun.

Jaemin lets Jeno knows he is loved every chance he gets, and Renjun listens to every rant he has about his parents (he has a lot), and if it weren’t for the two of them helping in immeasurable ways, Jeno doesn’t know if he would have survived his family’s bigotry. 

Jeno is confessing to them the second he comes out to his family; the only thing holding him back from doing it now is the backlash he is worried the two boys could face from his parents if they ever find out. And it has to be him to confess, he knows it does. Jaemin and Renjun, despite being absolutely _perfect_ in Jeno’s eyes, are too insecure to do it themselves. 

Jeno’s getting tired of waiting, tired of not living his life 100% authentically. But Jeno has a lot to give up. He knows his family is vile, their opinions abhorrent and dehumanizing. But that doesn’t negate the fact that they took care of him and nurtured and loved him his entire life. 

He’s tried to come out to them a couple of times, but he always chickens out. He’ll remember how his mom would take care of him when he was sick, and how his dad never missed a soccer game of his, ever. It’s a lot to give up, a mom and a dad, and Jeno doesn’t know how to prepare for that. He feels like _nothing_ could possibly prepare him for the loss he will experience.

But that doesn’t mean pretending is easy either. He only stays with his family for as long as he can stand it, and then he stays with Donghyuck for awhile. He makes the excuse that it’s closer to campus and therefore he won’t have to commute, and his parents are none the wiser. But Jeno spends less and less time at his family home, and he is worried they might start to get suspicious. 

Apart from the Sunday night dinners, one of which he is currently at, he is rarely home. The conversation at the dinner table reminds him of why he stays away. 

“Drag queens are reading to children now, can you believe it?” his father begins. “It’s absolutely disgusting, the way our values and principles are being corrupted every day as we speak,” the entire family nodding along. It makes Jeno sick to his stomach. He sits quietly, pushing his food around with a fork and refusing to say anything. His family doesn’t seem to notice. 

Jeno speaks precisely twice throughout the entire dinner. One time to ask for someone to pass the salt, the second time to tell his mother that he is going to head over to Donghyuck’s for the week after the meal ends. 

“Ok sweetie,” his mother replies, emotion devoid from her face. “Why don’t you invite him over for next week’s dinner. You know, as a favor for letting you stay with him all the time. You can invite Jaemin and Renjun too, since it’s been awhile since we’ve seen the two of them either.”

The thought of having his friends over makes him nervous for several reasons. Firstly, he doesn’t really want to subject his friends to any homophobic rants, especially Donghyuck, who is particularly sensitive to bigotry. Secondly, he doesn’t know how to get through a dinner without making it blatantly obvious that he is in love with Jaemin and Renjun. And lastly, he isn’t sure his friends will be able to shield how painfully gay they all are, especially since none of them are actively hiding their sexuality. 

But Jeno can’t think of an excuse fast enough and before he knows it he is already agreeing. He feels bad about the situation, but later that night when he is settling into the couch at Donghyuck’s apartment, his friends assure him that it’s fine. 

Mark and Donghyuck sit across from him, listening to him complain about his situation once again. “Jeno, don’t worry about it,” Donghyuck says to him. “It’s not that big of a deal, you know we’ll always be there for you. And if that means having dinner with your parents then so be it.”

Mark looks a little more reluctant. “Jeno…” Mark begins, obviously unsure how to broach the subject. “I in no way want to pressure you, but I think we both know you can’t keep living like this,” he says gently. Jeno hangs his head down in shame because he knows it's the truth. 

“I just… I don’t know how to let go, I guess,” Jeno responds honestly. Because that’s what it comes down to, his ability to let go of his relationship with his family, no matter how toxic it is. 

“Jeno, do you think your parents are good people?” Donghyuck asks softly, and Jeno, who was not expecting the question at all, flounders a bit. To be honest, it isn’t something that he’s ever explicitly been asked, and he isn’t sure how to respond. 

After thinking it over for a minute, he replies, “No. I don’t. I think they are bigoted and small-minded and hypocritical. They preach love, acceptance, and forgiveness but they don’t live by any of those principles. And when they find out the truth about me, they are going to resent me, and probably disown me. I think they are awful people,” Jeno finishes, slightly out of breath from the rant he wasn’t expecting to go on. 

“Jeno, I think you’re holding on to the memory of who you thought your parents were when you were young, and not the reality of who they actually are. And I can see how much it’s killing you to grasp at something that isn’t real, something that never was real,” Donghyuck confesses reaching out to grab Jeno’s hand. 

Jeno holds on tightly to his best friend’s hand because he’s right, and it’s hard to deal with. He has so many emotions running through his mind right now, and he is met with the sad truth that it will never get easier. No matter when he takes a leap of faith and comes out, it’s going to be brutal. 

“Why don’t we just focus on getting through next week’s dinner, and then we can talk more about what to do about Jeno’s situation,” Mark suggests, always the reasonable one. Jeno and Donghyuck quickly agree, and they spend the rest of the night watching movies and avoiding the topic. 

However, despite not discussing it, the subject doesn’t leave Jeno’s mind for the rest of the night. He lies awake in bed, hyper aware of his own weaknesses in his inability to come out. When he finally falls asleep hours later, it’s a dreadful sleep, one that leaves him feeling exhausted when he wakes him. 

Luckily the week is busy for him, and his school work distracts him enough to ease his aching heart. 

☽

“So let me get this straight,” Chenle says, leaning against a punching bag at the gym while Jeno stands next to him, panting from just punching said punching bag. “You are having dinner tonight with your homophobic parents and your 3 best friends, all of whom are not straight, and 2 of which you are in love with? And you think that’s a good idea?”

Jeno sighs, taking a long swig from his water bottle. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. In fact, it might be the worst idea I’ve had in awhile. But I agreed to it anyway because I am the dumbest person on the planet,” Jeno replies, voice dripping with self-deprecation. 

“Hey, don’t talk down on yourself like that, man. I’ve learned the hard way that that doesn’t work out so well,” Chenle consoles him, patting his back gently. “You’re the only one of us who has had to deal with homophobic parents. You’re a really strong person, putting up with their bullshit all the time. It’s really brave,” he finishes gently. 

Jeno stands next to him, contemplative as he mentally prepares himself for the night to come. “I’m just really nervous that my parents are going to say something really offensive tonight. The last thing I want is for them to get hurt because my family is horrible,” he confesses, biting his lip roughly. 

“Well,” Chenle begins, “I don’t know your parents, fortunately, but I do know our boys, and I know they’d be able to handle any attacks that may come their way. Plus, they’ve met your parents before so they know what to expect,” he offers, looking for the good in the situation like he always does. Jeno is really lucky to have such a bright friend like Chenle by his side. 

“Hopefully this is the last time they have to put up with them,” Jeno replies, causing Chenle to raise his eyebrows in shock. “I’ve decided I’m coming out to them soon. I don’t know when or how but I’m going to work myself up to it. So that it isn’t as painful when I have to cut ties with them for good,” he admits. 

Chenle smiles at him, wide and affectionate. “I’m so proud of you, Jeno, that’s a big step. And we will be there for you every step of the way. And who knows, maybe they won’t react that badly,” he offers. 

Jeno laughs at the statement. If there is one thing Jeno is positive about, it’s the extent of his parent’s bigotry, having to endure it for most of his life. “They won’t, trust me. They are awful people, like the type that makes me so angry I could punch something. I don’t know why I can’t let go, if it’s my internalized homophobia telling me I deserve it or something, but it’s unhealthy. I think giving them up might even be cathartic once I work up the nerve,” he responds. 

“Are they really that bad?” Chenle asks, concern evident in his voice. “What kind of things do they say to you?” Jeno thinks back to all of the horrible words his parents have casually exchanged in front of him over the years. How they made him despise himself for years, absolutely disgusted with who he was until he realized that he wasn’t the one who was in the wrong. 

He shakes his head at Chenle, indicating that he is not ready to talk about his parent’s harsh words yet. Instead, he turns towards the punching bag, and he swings, and he swings, and he swings. And if Jeno keeps punching until his knuckles are raw and red, then at least Chenle is there to bandage him up. 

☽

After the gym, Jeno showers and makes himself presentable for his parents. He heads over to his house with his friends, all of which are dressed nicely but plainly. Jeno warned that this mother would judge them if they weren’t dressed fashionably enough, but his father would judge them if they dressed _too_ fashionably. 

Luckily when they get to his parents’, they don’t seem to mind any of the outfit choices the boys have made, and the dinner begins quite smoothly. Donghyuck carries most of the conversation, while Jeno picks nervously at his food. Donghyuck has known his parents for a long time, and has long perfected the art of staying in their good graces. 

Things start to go downhill however, during dessert. In all honesty, Jeno blames himself for not thinking of the possibility of this happening, for not thinking ahead. Because what happens is _really_ bad, even for Jeno’s standards.

His mom brings out cake, perfectly frosted, beautiful, heavy, caloric cake. And Jeno is so excited to tear into it that he doesn’t notice the way Renjun’s hand begins to shake as he tries to bring his fork to his own plate. 

Jaemin, who is sitting beside Renjun, picks up on it right away though. He reaches out to the smaller boy and begins to rub his back gently, paying no attention to the conversation at the table. Renjun slowly takes a bite, and then another, before his eyes start to tear up. 

“I can’t do it,” Renjun says softly, finally alerting Jeno to the situation. And he feels awful for forgetting. _Cake is Renjun’s number one fear food. I just served it to him without thinking about how hard it might be for him._

Renjun drops his fork and Jaemin immediately grasps his now empty hand and starts whispering encouraging words into his ear. The gesture is sweet, kind and pure in a way that displays the simplest form of love, whether it’s platonic or romantic. His parents disagree. 

“What the hell is going on?” Jeno’s dad asks, confused and hostile at the exchange he is witnessing at his dinner table. His mom turns to Jeno, eyes searching for answers to questions that Jeno doesn’t know how to answer. 

“Umm, Renjun has an eating disorder,” Jeno tries to explain quietly. “Eating sugary cake like the one you prepared is hard for him,” he finishes. The look of confusion doesn’t disappear from their faces. 

“Boys can’t have eating disorders,” his sister speaks up from beside him, her fiance nodding along to her preposterous claim. The words just made Renjun tense up even more, Jaemin reaching out to hold him tighter. This does not make his parents happy at all. 

When Jeno’s dad opens his mouth, Jeno knows immediately that he isn’t going to like what is about to be said. “Even so, there is no excuse for that sort of behavior in our household. Men aren’t supposed to touch other men like that,” he says, making Donghyuck flinch visibly. 

At that, Jaemin stands up, pulling Renjun with him. “Thank you for dinner Mr. and Mrs. Lee, but I think it’s time for Renjun and I to leave,” he says politely taking control of the situation. 

“Good,” Jeno’s father sneers at them. “I don’t want any damn fairies in my house anyway,” he snarks, the most hateful, despiteful look on his face. A look that causes Jeno to _finally_ snap.

He is angry, so fucking angry, he feels nothing but wrath. It’s the only thing running through his mind when he stands up, stomps over to father and punches him directly in the face. Chaos ensues immediately afterwards, Donghyuck pulling Jeno away from his father, and Jeno’s future brother-in-law holding his dad back to prevent any retaliation. 

“What the _fuck_ was that about, Jeno” his dad roars, holding his bleeding nose. “Oh wait, I think I understand. Had to protect your little boyfriend is that it? Which one of them is it? The crybaby or the hand holder? Which one is your little bitch?” he says condescendingly. 

And Jeno explodes again, this time with his words, fueled by nothing but the rage he is feeling. Rage towards his father for hurting those he cares about most. “Guess what? I’m in love with both of them dad,” he yells, causing everyone in the room’s jaw to drop. “That’s right your son is extra, mega, super gay. You tried as hard as you could to make me hate people like us but it didn’t work. This is who I am, and it’s never going to change,” he heaves, breath going shallow. 

His dad looks at him with the most disgusted look he’s ever seen, and though he tries to not let it get to him, it breaks Jeno’s heart a little. The dad that used to drive him to soccer practice is gone. This monster in front of him is what’s left.

“You have twenty minutes to pack up your stuff and then you will get out of my house and never come back,” his dad says coldly. “I think it goes without saying that you don’t belong to this family anymore,” he finishes, getting up and walking out of the room, his sister following closely to help him clean up the blood on his face. 

“We’ll wait outside,” Jaemin says dumbfoundedly, and he hustles Renjun out of the house quickly. Jeno doesn’t blame them, the energy in the room is dense and its suffocating. 

“Do you have anything to say?” Jeno asks turning to look at his mother expectantly. She finally looks up with him for the first time since the exchange began and replies “People will talk Jeno. You wouldn’t want to drag down the entire family would you?” Her voice is completely devoid of empathy, completely devoid of anything mom-like. The mother that took care of him all of his life suddenly doesn’t care about him at all, and Jeno has to swallow the sob in the back of his throat. 

Donghyuck follows him upstairs and helps him pack. It isn’t that hard, given that a lot of his possessions are already at Donghyuck’s apartment. “I think this goes without saying, but you’re coming to live with me now. The guest room has always been yours,” Donghyuck says lightly into the room. 

Jeno nods stiffly. “Thank you,” he says voice weak. “I’ll work hard to repay you for everything you’ve done for me.” Donghyuck just scoffs and pulls Jeno into a hug. “No need,” he replies and Jeno lets himself be lost in the comfort for a brief moment before it’s time to leave. 

Leaving the home he grew up in for the last time is hard, and Jeno quickly does a walk-through trying to commit the entire house to memory. He wants to remember this place for the good times he’s had here and not for the way his parents broke his heart into a million tiny pieces. 

“What are you doing here?” Donghyuck asks as soon as they exit the house, and Jeno looks up to see an unexpected face standing in front of them. _Mark_. 

“Jaemin messaged me and told me what happened. I rushed over here as soon as I could to check on you guys,” Mark replies, reaching for Donghyuck and cradling his face in his hands. Donghyuck starts to tear up, and Mark pulls him into a hug immediately. They all know how sensitive Donghyuck is to homophobia, more than the rest of them, and Jeno is thankful Mark has decided to start showing up for his boyfriend. 

A voice clearing causes Jeno to look away from the couple, and turn towards Jaemin who is standing in front of him. “Jeno, why don’t you come stay at my apartment tonight with me and Injun,” he suggests. Jeno suddenly remembers his ill-timed confession, and gulps nervously but ultimately nods. He needs the comfort of his two most treasured people right now. 

“We’ll take your stuff home,” Donghyuck says gently, pulling away from Mark and wiping his eyes. They take turns hugging each other outside of Jeno’s parent’s house before they turn and go on their separate ways. 

Jeno doesn’t say anything the entire way back to Jaemin’s, and Jaemin and Renjun don’t either. Jeno’s mind is running at a thousand miles per hour, trying to process everything that just happened to him. He hadn’t expected to come out to his parents tonight, nor did he expect to confess to Jaemin and Renjun, and it’s a lot to process, almost too much. 

When they finally get to Jaemin’s apartment, the youngest shuffles them all into his room, and Jeno gingerly sits on his bed, not looking up when the bed dips on both sides of him. 

“I’m sorry,” Jeno finally speaks up, breaking the thick silence that’s perpetrating the small room. “For not thinking of the cake, and for letting my parents speak to you like that,” he finishes mournfully. 

Renjun pulls him into a hug, and Jeno can’t help but think that he doesn’t deserve to be held right now. “You did nothing wrong, no one is mad at you,” Renjun whispers, voice soft and low. “What you went through tonight was very difficult, and we are so proud of you for being brave enough to handle it,” he comforts. It’s all it takes for Jeno to break down. 

He cries loudly, sobs wracking his entire body. Jaemin and Renjun hold him, taking turns consoling him as he lets out devastating sobs. Jeno doesn’t think he has ever cried this hard in his life, and he feels like he is in mourning. 

And in some ways he is. He is mourning the death of having a father figure, the death of having a mother figure. The death of being a son, a member of his family. A part of Jeno died tonight, a part he held onto for so long, despite how much it dragged him down. 

Jeno cries until he exhausts himself, eventually falling into a fitful, uneasy sleep. The night was painful, about as painful as he expected it to be, but at the same time a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. Jeno took the evening to grieve, but tomorrow he gets to wake up as the most authentic version of himself. Jaemin and Renjun never leave his side. 

☽

Jeno wakes up the next morning to the sound of laughter and the smell of pancakes drifting through the apartment. He lays in bed for another minute, gathering the energy to take on the day, before finally getting up and heading towards the kitchen. 

Renjun and Jaemin are awake, and talking quietly to Jaehyun and his boyfriend Doyoung. Doyoung takes one look at him and pulls him tightly into his arms. “My baby. I heard what happened and I made you pancakes,” Doyoung says into his ear, making Jeno smile a little. Jeno has always been Doyoung’s favorite. 

“If you need anything, and I mean absolutely _anything_ , you come to me and I will be there, okay?” Doyoung says, and Jeno finds himself agreeing immediately. It feels nice to have someone care for him so openly after he faced the greatest rejection of his life. 

They all have breakfast together, the mood comfortable despite everything that occurred the night before. Eventually Doyoung and Jaehyun get up, both having classes they have to attend. Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun all decided to take the day off, so there is no rush for them.

The three of them sit alone in the apartment, neither one speaking up to address the elephant in the room. The awkwardness is starting to get uncomfortable and Jeno starts to worry about facing rejection for the second time in less than 24 hours. 

“Did you mean it?” Jaemin asks finally, “Yesterday, when you said you were in love with us,” Renjun and him looking at Jeno expectantly. 

Jeno doesn’t say anything for a moment, paralyzed with fear about what is about to change. But if last night taught him anything, it’s that he has to be brave in order to live authentically as himself. So he nods slowly, muttering “I did. I meant it 100%.”

Renjun speaks up immediately afterwards, “I feel the same way. About both of you. I have for a while but I didn’t say anything because I was kind of busy. Dealing with things. M-my eating disorder,” he stutters. 

Jeno’s heart soars, both at the confession and Renjun’s ability to name his disorder. That was still an issue for him sometimes. They both turn to look at Jaemin after the admission, and the youngest looks shell-shocked. 

“Both of you? Like me?” Jaemin asks like he can’t believe that it’s true. They both nod encouragingly, and Jaemin’s eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry, I just never thought that anyone would ever love me,” he confesses sadly. 

Renjun immediately pulls him into a soft kiss, shocking all of them, before murmuring against his lips. “We do. So much. You are so worthy of love, Jaemin,” he says stroking his cheek gently. Jaemin stares deeply into his eyes before turning to Jeno, who agrees immediately. 

“Jaemin, I don’t think you realize how easy it is to fall in love with you,” Jeno confesses. Jaemin flushes, before he pulls Jeno into a kiss of their own. Jeno feels elated at the feeling of one of his boys pressed against him. Jaemin’s lips move against his own tenderly, with so much love that Jeno knows he is going to be okay. Everything will work out because he has his boys beside him, and they’ll help him get through anything. 

They only pull apart when Renjun starts to whine, ready for his turn at kissing Jeno. Jeno is shocked at how aggressively the boy kisses him, but he loves it. Renjun is passionate and dominant, and Jeno loves every second of it. 

It just reminds him once again how different all of them are. Renjun is bold and brass, Jaemin is loving and affectionate, Jeno is shy and loyal, and yet, despite their differences, they fit together like a puzzle piece. They make up for areas that the others are lacking and Jeno can’t help but think the boys beside him were destined to be with him by the strongest force in the universe. 

They spend the rest of the day adjusting to each other, and working through the change in their dynamic. They stumble awkwardly a couple of times but Jeno isn’t worried. They have a long time to get to know each other intimately. Forever, he hopes. 

Finally, around dinner time, Jaemin and Renjun walk him back to Donghyuck’s apartment. He’s sad to separate from them, but he supposes it’s time to try to get settled into his new home permanently. 

What he isn’t prepared for, is opening the door to find a “Welcome Home!” banner hanging across the living room, as Donghyuck, Mark, Chenle, and Jisung stand welcoming him. Jaemin and Renjun smile at Jeno’s surprised face, both obviously in on the impromptu welcome party. 

They spend the night laughing, talking, and eating the spread that Donghyuck had prepared for them. They eat together as a family, and Jeno feels more comfortable than he ever did in the stuffy Sunday night dinners he was forced to sit through. 

“I just want to say thank you to you guys, for being there for me throughout the entire debacle with my parents,” Jeno speaks up towards the end of dinner. “It really means a lot to me to know that I have you guys now that I don’t have a family anymore,” he says.

“You do have a family,” Mark speaks out. “We all have flaws, and we’re all fucked up a little, but we love you and we’ll always be here for you,” he admits, warming Jeno’s heart. 

“And your parents may think we are all condemned to hell, but we’ll prove to them that even supposed sinners like us can be some of the best people on Earth,” Donghyuck adds. 

“I’d rather be a kind sinner than a bigot,” Jisung speaks up. “Being a sinner is more fun anyways.” 

They all laugh, and Jeno thinks back to the dinner he experienced the previous night, where all he could feel was wrath, pure unadulterated anger. It’s a sharp contrast to the love and kindness he feels right now, surrounded by the people he loves the most. His family. 

And yeah, he has some flaws, but being gay isn’t one of them. Life is hard and he’ll continue to fuck up, but he’ll learn and it’ll all be okay. Especially because Jisung is right, being a sinner isn’t so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i seriously can't believe this is over. i genuinely want to thank each and every one of you who read and enjoyed my story, even if it's not 100% perfect. i can't believe i actually wrote this long ass fic with a theme and developed plot line, but i couldn't have done it without your kind comments along the way <3
> 
> i have many more story ideas, so i hope you'll look out for more work from me (or read some of my previous work if you haven't already!!) i linked my twitter and cc (i just made one!!!) below in case anyone wants to reach out to me further. until next time, xoxo
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lefargenjeno)   
>  [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/lefargen)


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